Ambivalent Convictions

It’s first of Ramzan today Alhumdulilah. I know that Ramzan is a blessing for muslims and I was very eagerly waiting for it to begin. I just realized that I wait very enthusiastically for Ramzan to begin whereas my enthusiasm for eid and eidi has dissipated over the years.

I am very tired today…haven’t been sleeping at my usual time and had to come early to work as well. And the programming department is planning another shoot in the evening and I not in the mood. I wish things were different here at work…and we didn’t have to depend on the head office for final packaging because our transmission was a complete fiasco this morning. I am not happy with my program as well, it’s too spurious! And I feel spurious doing it!

Hassan is back in Pakistan. Came back yesterday from Iran. He is pretty satisfied with the outcome and I am very excited. InshaAllah if things turn out as planned, I can be in Iran by Feb next. For now, I have my fingers crossed!

Yesterday when i went home, there was still sometime left before the Maghrib Azaan so i utilised the last minutes to listen to The Corrs, one of my all time favorite groups. the last song i heard thus was 'what can i do'. right now, i am thinking of all the songs i will miss listening to and the first song was Unforgiven II by Metallica. so i went to Lyrics.com and found the lyrics...

Lay beside me, tell me what they've done
Speak the words I wanna hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true
If you can understand the me, than I can understand the you

Lay beside me, under wicked sky
Through black of day, dark of night, we share this pair of lives
The door cracks open, but there's no sun shining through
Black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?

Come lay beside me, this won't hurt I swear
She loves me not, she loves me still, but she'll never love again
She lay beside me, but she'll be there when I'm gone
Black heart scarring darker still, yes she'll be there when I'm gone
Yes, she'll be there when I'm gone
Dead sure she'll be there

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?

Lay beside me, tell me what I've done
The door is closed, so are your eyes
But now I see the sun, now I see the sun
Yes now I see it

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you

What I've felt, what I've known
So sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits,
The one who waits for you

Oh what I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you (So I dub thee unforgiven)

Oh, what I've felt
Oh, what I've known

I take this key (never free)
And I bury it (never me) in you
Because you're unforgiven too

Never free
Never me
'Cause you're unforgiven too

I took the CD player and CDs out of my room yesterday and gave it to bhai. He and I went for a drive last night after quite a few weeks. We have both been busy in our respective lives. Anyhoo, Bhai turned on the cassette player in the car and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t listen to it but I was torn whether I should stop bhai from doing it as well. This is gonna be tricky.

This morning as An n I were driving to the office, we talked about how unenthusiastic both of us have become since the down-sizing. I know its nothing extraordinary but it got me thinking as to why I am so concerned with this job. Aren’t there more significant issues in life? Every time I come back from a shoot, I feel empty. There is no sense of achievement, no accomplishment. Noreen mentioned something similar when she was in town.

Do I really don’t have an alternative, because I don’t consider the options I have as real options?