useless!

They say that simplicity is often the refuge of the complex. I have never really considered myself a complex person but I do wish I were simpler. Or maybe, that my life was. I am probably the most unappreciative person on this planet, but that truly is not through intention. I write what I feel and sometimes I feel too deeply.

I mentioned earlier that a multitude of issues had darkened my so painted Vanilla Sky. Well, to begin with, my parents have resumed their pursuit for my marriage with renewed vigor. I guess they think that five months are enough for me to forget all that happened. Secondly, my job that I had recently begun to enjoy was threatened almost a week back. The day Noreen was in Islamabad, we heard that AAJ TV was being downsized/right-sized. At that point, I waved it off as a rumor. This past Friday, I came to the office and heard that it was not just a rumor. Noreen, my dear friend and colleague who has seen me through some of my really bad times was asked to leave. She did resign but she did it with panache.I know i would have gone to pieces if i were in her places but she stood her ground. That was the day I came back and was a complete riot with the basketball. My life as I see it is about three spheres. The first and foremost is my family and some very close friends, second is what I have been trying to construct rather unsuccessfully, my spiritual world. Third is my work. That day, all thereof my spheres were in great chaos, knowing what Noreen was going through and I was helpless, knowing that I could be next and I didn’t want to be was utterly selfish. And I knew that if it wasn’t me, it would be somebody else in my office, somebody with a family. I really, really wanted to talk to someone but for some reason, I couldn’t. Ammi was home and she wasn’t well, which further aggravated everything. She never listens to me and never goes to the doctor. She doesn’t know that my family is all I have and my worst nightmares are the ones where I lose someone from my family. On top of that, I got that call from Hasnain which scared the hell out of me for some reason. From Ahmadis to Shias, isn’t there a red blooded sunni muslim out there for me? Are these my only options? Then, the next day my mother decided to drum auntie Shama’s relentless pursuit into my head. On top of that she told abu about Hasnain’s call and couple of other things. My father decided that he ought to take the issue up with me directly. Now, I am friends with my dad and I have been very honest with him about everything but talking to abu about my matrimonial prospects is just not in my book. There I was trying not to let my family know how scared I was of losing my job, losing the people I had come to care about at work and I was already angry at myself for not wanting to leave. On top of that, I had to say to my dad, what I didn’t mean because I should mean it! And I know I have hurt him further. Saddy says it isn’t always about me, it isn’t always my fault. Well, it is easier this way because there is really only one person I can control and that is myself.
I am listening to music right now, probably for the last time, InshaAllah for the last time. I know I am gonna miss it but I know this will make me stronger. Music had become a weakness and one thing I have learnt is to not let anything become my weakness. I think it’s a step in the right direction. i have to be at another shoot in an hour and like i said, i am lucky i have a job, so i will go and put on my nicest face.