Random Ruminations

Lately, my sleeping hours have diminished significantly. Last night I went to bed at nine and didn’t fall asleep till midnight. I then woke up at 4:30 for prayers and have been up since. All I did was stare at the light slowly filling up my room and the shadows created thus that moved across the wall. So when you have nothing to do but wait for sleep to come, what do you do? What does anyone do?

So here are my very unsystematic ruminations. And if they don’t make sense, don’t worry. They are not meant to.

• I spoke to Saba last night. She isn’t feeling very well and is busy wrapping up her life at her parents. So I started thinking about how does one really move on? And when one does…can we ever stop looking back?
• On Omer Bhai’s wedding, saddy and I were sitting with all her kid cousins who are all taller than us. The eldest amongst them is nineteen years old and the younger ones were saying, “she’s so old, she’s nineteen’. And saddy and I couldn’t stop laughing that if she’s old, we are ancient.
• But then again, with the passage of time, am I only getting older? What about becoming wiser? Last night when Saba spoke about her marriage and Sidz impending nuptials, I realized that most of my friends who used to turn to me for advice or comfort are now either married or getting married. Could this possibly be a case of those who can’t do, teach?
• I figured this morning that I really do need to take some days off and just go somewhere away from office. I really want to go to Gaddani again. I went there last year with Huma, Candy and HZ and I just fell in love with that place. I still remember the Asr prayers I offered there. One of my most memorable prayers ever. I completely went nuts with the camera there, taking pictures of everyone and everything. So anyhoo, that’s where I would like to go but I can’t go before January and going to Gaddani alone is out of question. Shan is busy with his end of term exams. Bhai is busy here and I know Dad will InshaAllah be going to Canada end of this month. So that right there is the problem. I don’t have anyone to go there with and I can’t go there alone.
• Why is it that when I find something which is more than just good enough, I, myself am never good enough?
• I have been thinking of this one line from a song ‘Perfect Girl’ but I couldn’t remember the complete lyrics. This morning I concentrated really hard on the melody and the words came back to me and here they are:
Am I faithful, am I strong,
Am I good enough to belong?
In your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel
And all along I played the fool
All your expectations bury me

Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo knowing that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time

I own my insecurities
I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them 'round
'till I'm the one who brings you down
Make me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this

You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
You’ll find yourself alright alone
You’ll find yourself with open arms
You’ll find yourself in time

The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
'Cause I can't compete I can't deny
There’s nothing that I didn't try
How did I go so wrong in loving you?

• I was up sometime around midnight when i just got up from bed to turn off the lights. it was then that i realised that there were no lights on in my room. what was i thinking?
• I have been thinking of taking up a sport other than my fumbling with the basketball. The idea is getting stronger since I am rapidly becoming an insomniac. I just talked to Awais, who used to be a boxer and after duly warning about the effects on my hands, he gave me a list of things I need to buy and taught me the difference between a Jab, Hook, Upper cut and Straight right hand. So now, I am a boxer in theory :).
• The weather’s cloudy today. This can possibly be winter’s first rainfall.
• I saw Lava lamps at Haroon’s a few days back. I love lava lamps for some reason. Will probably buy a blue one.
• I may not be sleeping much but when i do sleep, i have all these fantastic dreams. In just one night, I burrowed holes in the Pyramid as a Tomb Raider, thus changing the way they've looked all these millenia. then i invented some contraption with which i could escape floods and fly over the rushing waters. Then something to do with castle and Dragons. No wonder i am not sleeping well.
• Saddy will be back in office from Monday so my yahoo messenger will be active once more, even if it’s just an exchange of good morning. Yup! Me and My lonely messenger.
• I have been on a gluttonous streak lately. Just the past morning, I had noodles for breakfast, came to office and had ‘payai and naan’ with Aneela, had a cup of green tea and then consumed the litre pack of Nestle Orange Juice all by myself. And was done with it by 11 a.m. and I still feel hungry.
So I’m off to grab a bite to eat!