wanting it all!

Romana was my classmate back in college. True to her name, she is the most romantic soul I have ever come across and she was the first person who made me think about what I wanted in a person. I still remember we were standing by the stairs during a break and she was telling me about her latest crush while I was rolling up my eyes and telling her to get real. (The crush by the way was Ibrar-ul-Haq). Anyhoo, she was surprised at my response and asked me very directly given my lack of interest in guys, if I ever wanted to get married. I told her of course I did. That’s part of our lives. She then asked me who my ideal was. No romantic story or icky digest novel…straight and frank. I had never thought about it before and I told her that. She asked me to tell her on impulse what would impress me. I thought about it for a minute and said I would want the person to be educated, religiously inclined, someone who preferred books over movies, listened to my kind of music, an athlete, preferably a boxer and played chess and tennis and could ride a horse as well, someone with a good career so that money would never be an issue but not ridiculously rich, someone who loved to travel and had a very good sense of humor, patient and able to calm me down. And if he were good looking with all that, it would be a certain plus. And after saying all this, I asked Romana to tell me honestly if such a man existed and if he really did by some miracle, wouldn’t he be crazy to marry me? And if there was someone that crazy, wouldn’t I be insane to marry someone crazy?

It was Romana’s turn to roll up her eyes and tell me to get real but instead, she told me to be positive and not to underestimate myself or my luck.

As I grew up, I naturally gave it more thought and then slowly and gradually began to pray that my parents choose someone for me who was not merely religiously inclined but devoted to Islam. Someone who would give me the strength and inspiration to become a good muslim and in turn, I make him feel comfortable with his spiritual aspirations. Together we would raise a family that would be a good muslim family in Allah’s sight. It was never about the money he would earn or the jewels he would buy me but always about growing together to be good persons, essentially good muslims.

I always thought I was the practical one. I always thought I would marry someone chosen by my parents. And I almost saw my dream coming true. But see, in the real world, almost doesn’t count :). Can anyone imagine their fondest dream coming true only for it to change into their worst nightmare? And the nightmare becomes real, life becomes cruel and you’re clueless as to what hit you. Still you believe and try so hard to get back on track.

And then you think that you’ve been through enough Allah will surely reward you for your faith in Him, a new light shines on you. And you start thinking that Allah has answered all your prayers and the pain and the wait was worth it all and while you’re trying so hard to thank Him for His inestimable benevolence, you find that this is a test to see how many more pieces you can go into and then how many you can put back together and still stay faithful.

I spoke to Sam some days back. She called a day before eid and I went up to my usual place on our set upstairs to sit and talk without any intrusion. Sam shared some of her insight on life with me. I told her how my recent decision was still hurting me and I wondered if my decision was right or not. I believe what she said was right. She said that a good life is not essentially a happy life. And right decisions are generally painful. And just because we try to be good people, doesn’t mean that life will be kind to us. We do what we can and at the end of the day, it’s only Allah’s kindness that is our deliverance.

Lately I have been thinking about what is essentially wrong with me. Is there something about me that pushes all the good people away? Really? How could happiness have shown me its face twice in one year and then just disappeared? Are we playing some game of hide and seek cuz if we are, I am certainly losing.

But whatever is wrong with me, one thing is for sure, I dreamt of all the right things. The funny thing is that the right dreams were dreamt up by the wrong person.

But I still want it all. I am still unwilling to settle for anything less. Still trying to be persistent in my pursuit, and still, despite everything I have been through in just this one year, I am not willing to settle for anything less. I still want my dream, all of it, I still want my fairytale. That and nothing else.