6 months gone

It rained day before yesterday…something I had been waiting for since the initiation of summers. I love rain like any other girl but my motive for loving it is unlike any other girl’s. It’s the one time where I can just sit by myself; take out all my worries while the sky camouflages my tears. Nobody can tell that I have been crying. And when occasionally there is a rainbow, I like to believe in one cliché’…the soul would have no rainbows had the eyes no tears. And so it rained…and so I cried.
My date sheet for CSS exams is here. I have to study now, have to take days off and make sure I clear the exams. More than anything else, this is necessary for my ego.
I asked Sadaf yesterday what was wrong with her and she said: ”batool! What can u do”. I used to think that listening and sharing helps. But it doesn’t. I have shared my pain with many people despite my best judgment. And she is right…it doesn’t help. So I pledged last night that I will never tell another soul my sob story…and those that already know have heard the last of my sighs. I gotta take care of today…no looking back and absolutely no regrets!

6 months gone

It rained day before yesterday…something I had been waiting for since the initiation of summers. I love rain like any other girl but my motive for loving it is unlike any other girl’s. It’s the one time where I can just sit by myself; take out all my worries while the sky camouflages my tears. Nobody can tell that I have been crying. And when occasionally there is a rainbow, I like to believe in one cliché’…the soul would have no rainbows had the eyes no tears. And so it rained…and so I cried.
My date sheet for CSS exams is here. I have to study now, have to take days off and make sure I clear the exams. More than anything else, this is necessary for my ego.
I asked Sadaf yesterday what was wrong with her and she said: ”batool! What can u do”. I used to think that listening and sharing helps. But it doesn’t. I have shared my pain with many people despite my best judgment. And she is right…it doesn’t help. So I pledged last night that I will never tell another soul my sob story…and those that already know have heard the last of my sighs. I gotta take care of today…no looking back and absolutely no regrets!

nothingness continues

Noreen scrapped me this..and i rather liked it

See the pain in my eyes
see the scars deep inside
My God, I'm down in this
hole again
With the laughter I smile
with the tears that I cry
Keep going down this road
called life
Don't need your sympathy
I just want for this silence
to stop killing me.
She says that I'm insecure,
I guess she's right
'Cause just when I think
I'm sure, alone at night
the agonies come back, this
pain won't let me be

I try to fill the silence up
but now it's back again

See the pain in my eyes
see the scars deep inside
My God, I'm down in this
hole again
With the laughter I smile
with the tears that I cry
Keep going down this road
called life
Don't need your sympathy
I just want for this silence
to stop killing me

It's deafening
it's deafening
this silence inside me

I try to fill the silence up
but now it's back again
It's empty like a suicide
this pain inside

She looked right into my
eyes and said to me
The hurt that you try to
hide is killing me
You drink a thousand lies,
to freeze the past in time

I've tried to fill this
silence up
But now it's back again

See the pain in my eyes
see the scars deep inside
My God, I'm down in this
hole again
With the laughter I smile
with the tears that I cry
Keep going down this road called life.
Noreen's scrap apart..i've been thinking...about wht our problem is. we are good people...with satisfactory lives...everything present in all its essential amounts..yet we are incapable of being happy. we are educated, reasonably good lookin, employed, sound families, the brigade, yet we wouldn't know happiness if it slapped us in the face. this is our dilemma...Our generation has had no Great Depression, no Great War. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives.

more of nothing

its a lazy saturday so far. i finished reading Taboo last night and well...i believe the author and i reached the same conclusion. i believe im on my way to becoming a first class man-hater. i dont hate men...but i hate the way they treat women...i hate their deception and lack of self-control.
khair...

more about nothing

more of the usual.
saddy had a fight at home and is pretty depressed, but still wont say a word. Noreen has flown to khi to sort things out at khi office and me...well im just doing wht i do everyday...nothing.
dad came back today and looked tired. i wish i cud travel instead of him and especially when i am young. i started applyin in universities, canada, Australia, anywhere i can get in is fine with me. but the bigger concern is money. how do i pay for my tuition?
saddy thinks i am running away...she's absolutely right. i am running away. all my life i've looked for escapes and distractions. this time, i just dont want a distraction, i need a solution and this seems to be it. last year i escaped to khi and it helped. this year i need something concrete..this time im not just escaping dreams tht wont come true...this time im escaping my nightmares.
i am probably making a big deal out of nothing. its just unrequited love, deception, betrayal. maybe being jilted and lied to is really no big deal and shena was right...i had a lot to be thankful about. but why do i feel vacant? why is it that my every day routine is though hassle-less, i yearn for activity. maybe i am looking for answers when there are no questions. maybe life is like this at best.
i have stopped praying...not the normal five prayers...but my conversations with Allah. not tht i dont believe in Him...i do, i very much do. but i just dont know how to proceed from here? i am lost...

empty words

i dont know why i am writing...'cept for one reason only...i should. i used to write a lot, and just about anything that came to my mind was scribbled somewhere...and i was told that i write well. Now, i dont write...ninty percent of the time. and what i do write is never really on my mind.
so what am i writing about today?
nothing actually.