I decided to take quite a lot of days off from work and appear in CSS exams this year for various reasons. I know my dad and my Da’ wanted me to give the exams this year…it was required of me…I thought I ought to just because I ought to. I also wanted to have some time to not do anything…needed time to heal…needed it to figure out certain aspects of my life, my surroundings, my fate and most of all, I needed time for myself. I needed it badly. My leave is almost over, two more papers to go and have to be back in office next week and well, I haven’t been able to figure out anything…anything at all.
It’s been an interesting one month at home. I got to spend sometime with mom and with Aban. I am gonna miss her when she leaves. Having her and Shan around was fun. My home seemed real, my family seemed complete. As for my main objective, pertaining to my leave, I haven’t figured out much but oddly enough I am at ease…if not at peace. Tears still come. They came last night just as the moon started peeking into the window. I didn’t have my glasses on but I didn’t need them. I have stared too long at the moon to know its scars, its chasms, and most of all, its light. Then Nubla messaged me telling about some romantic engagement of her friends…wishing she had something like it. Its funny, but all my life, practically all my friends, saddy in particular wanted something romantic, wanted to know the guy they could commit their life to. I never talked of love, preferred not to. Only on some level I know that only good looking people have the right to fall in love. I know everyone’s gonna start screaming at me that I have an inferiority complex. You know, it’s not about knowing that you are beautiful, it’s about feeling beautiful. I have only felt that way maybe three times in my life, my three good moments…and they turned out to be lies. The reason I felt beautiful turned out to be fabrications by people who never intended me to feel that way. So anyhow, I thought I would marry someone my parents chose for me. I don’t even have that illusion to cling on to.
I did figure something out about myself, which doesn’t exactly endear me to myself anymore. I am a very selfish person. A very very very selfish person. I only think of my pain. I never thought my pain could hurt the people around me. I have been thinking of going abroad for studying…especially because InshaAllah, next year when Aban comes back, Amrat’s gonna get married. InshaAllah, saddy will get married too and I hope she is happily married. Shena will be married aswell. I know, we will never speak to each other again, but she was a very dear, very important person in my life once. Only, it had become very painful to remain friends with her anymore, but I wish her well with all my heart. Sana will inshaAllah get married as well, Noreen’s thinking of moving to England. And well, Saniya’s already married. Saba and Usman are getting married inshaAllah in November. I hope by January next year, Sajeela, Faiza and Fariha get married too, or atleast engaged. So, basically, its just gonna be me. And I also want to go when my parents have bhai and Aban with them and when they are still healthy so I don’t worry too much about them. So, I have been looking for scholarships, since I don’t have the money to afford education abroad. I was kidding with my mom that the money they were gonna spend on my wedding should be given to me so I can go study. My mother told my dad and my dad said to me that I could have any amount of money he could afford. But when he sad that, the way he said that…it made me cry so hard. It wasn’t just my dream that was shattered. It was his too. He wanted me married. That was his happiness too. Umar didn’t just rob me of my dreams, he took away my dad’s aswell and even though I have cried my eyes out about it, bitched about it to everyone, my dad never said a thing . He never complained. I remembered how hopeful he was when I had my apprehensions. How satisfied he looked the night I got engaged. And when I told him that the wedding was off, he asked me if I was alright. He didn’t ask why….he asked about me. He could have fallen apart just as I feared he would but he stayed strong for me. I wasn’t asking him for money, I was asking him for his dream for me. I have never given my dad any reason to be happy. I have never been the daughter he wanted me to be and by asking him for money to go abroad and in other words never get married, I am robbing him of his dream too. And in that respect I am no different than Umar. I can never forgive Umar for what he did to me and most of all, what he did to my dad’s dream for me. And I won’t be able to forgive myself, I did this to my dad too. I know I have to figure out a way to make things work out but this certainly is not the solution.
Lord! I am crying again. This has got to stop. I have to be stronger than this, for my dad’s sake I have to be.
I am weary of these lines. I want to talk about dreams that come true. I want to cherish life, hiding and running from life is such a lonely thing to do, I am tired of being this way. I am tired of not looking and feeling good. I am tired of crying. I am tired of self pity. I want to follow the music and create some of my own. I like the way Shan lives. He is so much deeper, so much more sensible than me. I love the man he’s become, and I love the fact that he bought himself a chocolate cake. I am gonna buy myself a birthday present…hell with my finances and medical bills. Did I mention my medical bills…well I wont! But I think, while I am here…I will LIVE!!!!
