must every blog have a title?

Yesterday, i started thinking about how people go astray and how they become sinners. I know that a dominant school of thought in christianity thinks that humans are born sinners and that Jesus died for our (i.e human's) sins. I don't believe that. but thts one theory. I have been a believer my whole life and i always believed that people come in existance as neutral entities who can either become good people or bad people or simply people like me for whom existence and every moment of it is a struggle to just survive and reach the finishing line through perseverance. i have never been very ambitious in my life and i always figured that doing the right thing always lands you in the right place with the right people.
IT DOESN'T!!
life is not that simple and certainly not that nice. i thought that by being a good person, i would be blessed with a life that is simple and nice. it's like standing in the path of an angry bull, thinking that it wont hit you because you are a vegetarian. well, the bull couldn't care less!
yes! life can't care less and i didnt realize it. i, too, have become a human cliche' and the worst part is i see myself falling apart every single day. I know that i am actaully losing what little i had about me to cherish and the things i am doing are not about my religion or my morals. Its' about getting back at myself for being so naive and so witless. i remember a particular time in my teens when i was completely desolate and i told Allah ji that i didnt believe in him. I told Allah ji! couldn there have been a bigger proof of my faith in him. i believed in him and desperatly wanted his attention.
Today, after all these years i stand in a similar precipice...shouting and doing everyting good or bad i can think of because i crave Allah ji's attention. and its not him i am defying...can i ever do that? but how can i be denied of this pain, this struggle? I believe that when a person realizes that she has become everything she feared to be...she starts taking herself apart piece by piece...good parts and the bad alike. i think i am doing that...rapidly becoming a hollow vessel. I offer Nafl Hajat with every prayer and then i just sit empty headed...i am left alone with words that are not felt, not meant, not even thought!
Do i have a way out of this? Do I have an option? i think it is this time in my life that will truly be a test of my character but i know i am failing this test. i counted too much on miracles and i am empty handed now.