confusion reigns supreme

i cant even remember the last time i wrote a poem. i used to write a lot, about everything on my mind and now, i actually spent hours attepmting to write a poem and nothing. i dont even recognize myself anymore.
been trying real hard to find a scholarship but nothing. i was talking to Mr.Sohail today and i told him how i was trying to find a scholarship. he said that though its an achievement, it will never satisfy me. i told him, it wasnt about achieving. he then asked me if i was trying to escape...? i am! i am trying so hard to escape and i dont even know what i am escaping from.
my birthday's coming up and i am NOT looking forward to it. i have no reason to celebrate anything. sana's after me for a birthday treat and i told her i'd take her anywhere she wants but not as a birthday treat. some lives are not meant to be celebrated!