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Good Bye

Betty's got a gun!

I woke up yesterday as I got a frantic call from our DMT producer. Although I had turned off my cell, the fact that he called on my landline showed how worried he was. Junaid Jamshed was supposed to be our guest that morning but he cancelled at the last minute and we needed a substitute. And who can be a better substitute for a bearded fella then a lady who covers her head. So anyhoo, I rushed to the office without even changing my clothes. Anyhoo, for the first time, I was a guest on a show I myself help to produce. I hope NOBODY saw it.

With an interview kicking off my day, I had another lined up. Only this time I was on the other side thankfully. The UAE Ambassador’s wife had consented to an exclusive interview. Not that the interview itself was extraordinary, the fact that in her five year tenure in Pakistan, this was the first interview she had consented to is. I knew she was going to be pretty, but I didn’t expect her to be so young and petite. And she was so charming and so down to earth. She had been given a list of possible questions I would ask her by her embassy but when I briefed her about the questions I had prepared, she was kind enough to agree to my questions. The interview itself was brief but she told me she wanted me to stay for tea. I don’t take tea but for her benefit I sat there with a cup in my hand. We started talking and she was just so real. She told me about her family, her education, her life here and was genuinely interested in knowing about my line of work and whether I enjoyed it. And she was so encouraging, telling me that she liked the way I interviewed her. We talked about our lives, exchanging views and she offered me some advice as well. I really liked her and her daughter is so adorable. So anyhoo, it was a very memorable meeting.

I am thinking of accompanying my father to either Canada or China in December. Visiting Prince Edward Island is a dream I’ve cherished for a long time now. I fell in love with the place just be watching the series ‘Anne of Green Gables’. But somehow, the time for this visit just doesn’t seem right. I can’t quite put my finger on it. As for China, well, don’t know Chinese, don’t want to roam alone. I guess I should stick to Pakistan and go to Jia’s and visit Sam till I can convince one of my friends to go with me.

Along the way

Remember when the simple things were the things we loved
Remember when just living was simply enough
Fear fills the emptiness the years fill everything between
All this time is passing by
On the way I've had to say goodbye
All my life begins today
After all I've walked I've crawled I've loved along the way –
Fly away into the sun never to return
Stay awake forever and watch this lifetime burn –
Peace breaks the loneliness
And hope fills everything between
All this time is passing by
On the way I've had to say goodbye
Walking down this road I've learned
To let go of what I know
Cause everything can change again
I'm on the edge of all that could be
But what I can't are control my dreams
Remember when the days we had would never seem to end
Remember when we couldn't wait for life to begin
All the answers I've found on the way are few and far between
All this time is passing by
On the way I've had to say goodbye
All my life begins today
After all
I've walked
I've crawled
I've loved along the way

Another one

I wrote this back in my early University days. Everything was more interesting than studying Economics, thus this particular topic.
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Late night T.V was forbidden when I was a child and by late night I mean after 8 p.m., except for twice a week when we were allowed to stay up and watch Night Rider and Air Wolf. Just like any other child, I was restless and curious. Since T.V. wasn’t an option and reading wasn’t possible as both my brothers went to sleep early, which was given to eluding my eyes, I did what any other kid would do….I mused, fantasized and simply lost myself in my imagination.
And that is the only thing I am good at… and probably the only thing you don’t need a qualification for, which I don’t have any way…dreaming! This of course, made me somewhat of an idealist. In dreams everything is possible and thus I indulged myself in my silent reveries.
However, I never knew what idealism actually meant. I knew it was a way of thinking but I couldn’t differentiate between the basic forms of thought. Conjecture, awareness, understanding, and idealistic creativity are different strata’s of contemplation. This is probably only my outlook but effortless opinion and speculation lead only to stagnation of mind and heart, be it that of a person or a society. Understanding and awareness lead to fruition & progression. Idealistic creativity is what sets man apart from animals. It is this idealism that has given us the Mozart & Beethoven, it has created and destroyed empires, given us van Gough and Picasso, blessed us with Shakespeare and Tagore, but most of all, kept us sane when the world was determined otherwise. Without idealistic creativity, we will cease to be humans.
I grew up dreaming. No extra-ordinary dreams, just those little insipid ones where I was a princess and was allowed to stay up late and watch T.V. Sometimes, I’d cease to be a couch potato and do something more audacious like rescue Ulysses or help Hercules, two of my favorite heroes. But it was this idealism that led me to believe that all was good, humanity the greatest gift and the notion that no matter how bad things got, there was always hope. To me, that is essentially a very unrefined definition of idealism.
However, we must not confuse realistic idealism with creative idealism. Their coexistence is quite improbable. I am not saying it’s impossible, but if they do, it is simply incredible Realistic idealism is a perception of rational ideas and veracity. It is based on evidence & substantiation. It has no doctrine, no creed and is not governed by any canons, yet it is not tolerant. It sticks to facts and requires reason. To a creative idealist, this is of course vindictive. Its probably so, because it emphasizes on knowledge and understanding, which though two important forms of thought, are quite dissimilar to creative idealism
In order to elaborate this more eloquently, I have to compare two idealists Plato and G.W.F Hegel. They are separated by a millennium and a universe of difference. According to Plato, the world of changing experience & explanation is fantastic, and the Idea or Form--which does not vary and which can be known only by reason--constitutes true reality.
Conversely, Hegel reality is absolute Essence or rationale, which manifests its development toward total reticence in every aspect of experience from disposition to human history. F. H. Bradley, an English Hegelian, countered that ordinary experience is ambiguous and incongruous and therefore manifestation; truth, the Absolute, is an amalgamated totality, which can be discerned only through a distinctive and supreme, perhaps even numinous, occurrence, a possibility that can exist only in our dreams.
Realistic idealism exists in our mind, creative idealism in our hearts. Realistic idealism thrives on principles and milieu. Creative idealism fashions them. Realistic idealism breathes in empires, creative idealism breathes empires. Realistic idealism resides in our senses, creative idealism over-whelms them. Realistic idealism describes nature, creative idealism animates it. Realistic idealism is just a shade, creative idealism paints the picture. Realistic idealism is factual, where creative idealism is futuristic. Realistic idealism contemplates divine, creative idealism is divine. Realistic idealism is tangible, whereas creativity is simply untouchable.
So, I have grown up and given up on most of my dreams. I am not a princess and I’ll never meet Ulysses and Hercules, or save the world from an impending apocalypse, I am still, quite religiously and resolutely so, a creative idealist. I believe that there is more to this universe than meets the eye. What I can see is temporal, what remains unseen, is eternal

Finally came around

I found this in my old folders. I wrote it back in my B.A days, when i was probably 17/18 years old. Reading it today made me realize that i knew myself better in those days.
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It' takes a little time, sometimes but normally it's as quick as a flash, and strikes me as one too. I normally don't pay any attention to it because it's just another thing in my life, but it's one of those things that u know just exist, and u don't realize they do.
Ah, yes! It has a remarkable speed too. In a mere fraction of a second I can go places, beautiful ones that truly enchant me. I remember on one such visit I met Agha ji! And life has never been the same. He told me old tales of his childhood. He regretted losing out on his life's precious opportunities but he didn't regret losing his first love. He said" there is no bigger temptation than the dual nature of love and remember! Temptations, unlike opportunities, will always give u second chances. If you lose out on a temptation, be sure look out for it. It'll surely knock on your door again. Don't lose an opportunity though, it might be your last", saying this he got up and walked away and I haven't seen him since.

The other day, I was not going at my usual speed, simply strolling thinking how many people I have met and there r so precious few I can remember. I could still remember Shandana . She was my class fellow in the fourth grade. I still have a very vivid recollection of that friend of mine. She had the most beautiful gray eyes and blondish brown hair. She used to look like a doll and all our teachers treated her like one. She had the sweetest smile and the sunniest disposition. a true charmer if u ask me. I was happy just to be considered her friend.
Anyway, I was strolling, the weather was a bright sunny one that winter afternoon. People were passing by me. I suddenly realized two eyes were fixated in my direction .I recognized those eyes immediately. They belonged to her. She looked gorgeous as I expected, very stylish and indeed very rich. I looked at myself, plainly dressed, as always. I felt like a little girl again who was happy to be part of her lime light that really could never be mine. We exchanged pleasantries. I congratulated her on her achievements as she was now a scientist, she could have been a model but she preferred her brain over her stunning looks. I asked her as she was about to leave:"Shandi! How did u do it?" & and she smiled me that beautiful smile of hers and said:"life is always walking up to us and saying, "Come on in, the livings fine". And what do we do? Back off and take its picture".
Yes! I did meet quite a few very extra-ordinary people on my visits but no one can compare to that one encounter I had on my last visit. I was walking down a beautiful valley and I came across a lake. It simply took my breath away as the water was bluest of the blue I have ever seen in my life. The sky smiled down at the daffodils that grew around the lake. "Hello there!" a voice said. I looked in the direction of the voice and saw someone familiar, the voice, I could have sworn I had heard b-4 but I couldn't place it. "I knew u would come along" she said again. " How did u know?" I asked. "U have been walking and wandering, thinking and speculating, u have been so busy understanding others, u have lost track of who u r" I replied, " who am I?" she said" u r a griever! Hugging every tragedy covered with thorns that pierce your soul. Listen and listen well! There r chapters in everyone's life which should seldom be read and certainly not aloud. You are too busy building character, u have forgotten to do maintenance. Remember a soul cannot have a rainbow had the eyes no tears. Tragedies are necessary so you can enjoy the finer things in life. Be calm and be silent and you will find yourself to be not just a body but a mansion u can inhabit with dignity."
"How can I possibly do that?'
"It’s easy. Stop living in a world that doesn't exist and get off that couch, you have gained far too much weight."
Suddenly I heard a splash and my reflection splashed all over me. I didn't get a chance to say” goodbye"
That was my last visit. The poor old couch is now in my brother’s bedroom.

My Best Friends's wedding!

Saba and Usman got married yesterday MashaAllah.

And Thank God on a Sunday afternoon no less as I had time to get prepared and the whole evening to watch television.

This Sunday I should have slept to my heart’s content, but Abu had to leave for Karachi and trust lil’ ole me to always accompany him to the airport. After I got back, I had to make breakfast as Sundays are my turn to do so. Then I caught some episodes of ‘The Nanny’. Mishi was supposed to pick me up for the wedding and then Ashu called that she was coming over with her daughter. So I got dressed really quickly, (so much for my tiyariyaan). Ashu’s daughter in only six weeks old and so adorable MashaAllah and she has the thickest crop of hair I have ever seen on a baby. Ashu herself has become a typical mother MashaAllah. It’s so heartening to see once studious Ashu fussing over her daughter. Ashu was a straight A’s student and she is one person I have seen who used to solve theorems and numericals on tissue papers sitting by the social huts. All she ever talked about was studies. Now, all she could talk about was her daughter and her husband. And she was always very touchy about her weight and weighed hardly 48k in university. Now she weighs over 70k but still looks gorgeous MashaAllah.

Then Mishi came and she looked like a totally different person herself. I saw her after some 18 months, and she’s the only one amongst us who stayed at home and went on a crash diet cuz her fiancé had instructed her to lose weight. She used to weigh at least 150 lbs and now her wrist is slimmer than mine.

We then drove to Saba’s wedding reception. If I say that Saba looked beautiful, it would be understatement of the century. But she was a nervous wreck. She kept on asking me, ‘mai theek lag rahi ho?’. Lol, that is so typically Saba waisay. Even when we brought her down to sit on the stage, I had to go check on Ashu’s daughter. When I got back, she asked me again, ‘how do I look sitting on the stage?’. Usman looked so cute. Ok I know guys should not be called cute but he is just very cute. And he kept on standing in an ‘attention’ posture. I have never seen him this tense. But I really liked his Sherwani and Khusas.

Anyhoo, after the bride and groom were seated, we all sat down for a comprehensive follow-up on each others lives. Everybody has changed so much in these 18 months after our graduation but the changes are basically in two categories, rocks and pounds. Girls in the Rocks category are those who have gained ‘significant rocks on a significant finger’. Girls in the pounds category are those who have gained or lost pounds, thus transforming the way they look. And well, an auxiliary category is my category. Yes, me in a league entirely by myself, with the addition of only a bank statement to my name.

Then came the time for rukhsati and Saba took it upon herself to drown the hall in her tears. I mean she just wouldn’t stop. I still haven’t been able to come up with a policy statement for this one ritual. What irritates me is the fact that nowadays a bride is told to stop crying cuz it would ruin her makeup. Honestly! Is that any reason?

Anyhoo, Ashu and I got back and we sat and talked some more. Somehow, all of us have ended up on paths entirely different from what we wanted. Ashu, Sidz, Saba, Mishi were all the studious ones and wanted to work and not get married. I never aimed for anything more than just completing my degree. Makes me think whether we really do have control over the outcome of our lives or are we just supposed to make the best of what life throws at us.

I had Spanish olives, Danish cheese & Turkish bread for breakfast today. And now, I am off to lunch.

First time

There really is a first time for everything. And I guess in my profession, the likelihood of some firsts is more than in others.

Yesterday, I saw my first crime scene. Yup! Not a very cheery first but a first nonetheless. We found out that there was a dead body hanging in the green belt opposite Dunkin Donuts. We were one of the first ones there and then people started stopping to see what was going on. I can very easily go into the gruesome details of the crime scene but I won’t. I can say this though. The police are writing it off as a suicide. No Chance! I saw the body hanging and there is no way on earth he could have hung himself. I am no super sleuth but i have read my fair share of Nancy Drew and Sherlock Holmes. His legs were about five feet above the ground. There was no chair or ladder lying around that could prove that he climbed the tree, tied the rope and then hung himself. Well whatever the police say, all I can say is that no one deserves to die like this.

Anyhoo, my second first was this amazing dinner comprising of all Arabian dishes. I mean I never had this kind of food even in Middle East. Probably because my interaction with Arabs was almost non-existent. It was at this place called ‘Al-Majlis’ which is owned by some Brazilian lady. I didn’t even know this place existed till I set foot in it. I was a guest of the U.A.E ambassador who was a very gracious host indeed. There I met all the bureau chiefs of Arab News Channels. It was very enlightening as we discussed everything from Rafiq-Al Hariri’s murder & Bashar-ul-Asad’s political strategy to the dearth of relief activities in Earthquake Affected areas. The food was absolutely scrumptious. I noticed that the main ingredient in appetizers was vinegar and I really overate. The Bureau Chief of Abu Dhabi Television was sitting next to me and he kept putting everything in my plate and I kept on eating. It was a little intimidating since everybody else at the table was at least 15 years older than me with years of experience but I really did enjoy both the conversation and the food.

My another first was this morning. After offering my Fajr prayers, I was as usual entreating Allah ji to take care of my family and friends. Now, as a habit, I always ask Allah ji to bless my father and brothers with glorious professional careers. I don’t know how or why, but unconsciously I prayed that Allah bless me with a glorious career as well. I realized what I had asked for only after I had uttered these words. I have never prayed for a career before, never! And yet this morning asking for one came so naturally to me. I guess my teachers were right. I really have changed.

So, I am probably not going to be in Islamabad tomorrow and day after that is Saba & Usman’s wedding. I finally decided what to get for Usman. Anyhoo, it’s gonna be a great wedding InshaAllah as I will get to meet all my university pals and I can’t wait to see Saba & Usman as man & wife. I never believed in Love at first sight but they made me believe in the concept and I have always believed in them. There are no fairytales but what they have sure is close MashaAllah.

InshaAllah this will be a ‘Happily Ever After’.Ameen

Random Ruminations

Lately, my sleeping hours have diminished significantly. Last night I went to bed at nine and didn’t fall asleep till midnight. I then woke up at 4:30 for prayers and have been up since. All I did was stare at the light slowly filling up my room and the shadows created thus that moved across the wall. So when you have nothing to do but wait for sleep to come, what do you do? What does anyone do?

So here are my very unsystematic ruminations. And if they don’t make sense, don’t worry. They are not meant to.

• I spoke to Saba last night. She isn’t feeling very well and is busy wrapping up her life at her parents. So I started thinking about how does one really move on? And when one does…can we ever stop looking back?
• On Omer Bhai’s wedding, saddy and I were sitting with all her kid cousins who are all taller than us. The eldest amongst them is nineteen years old and the younger ones were saying, “she’s so old, she’s nineteen’. And saddy and I couldn’t stop laughing that if she’s old, we are ancient.
• But then again, with the passage of time, am I only getting older? What about becoming wiser? Last night when Saba spoke about her marriage and Sidz impending nuptials, I realized that most of my friends who used to turn to me for advice or comfort are now either married or getting married. Could this possibly be a case of those who can’t do, teach?
• I figured this morning that I really do need to take some days off and just go somewhere away from office. I really want to go to Gaddani again. I went there last year with Huma, Candy and HZ and I just fell in love with that place. I still remember the Asr prayers I offered there. One of my most memorable prayers ever. I completely went nuts with the camera there, taking pictures of everyone and everything. So anyhoo, that’s where I would like to go but I can’t go before January and going to Gaddani alone is out of question. Shan is busy with his end of term exams. Bhai is busy here and I know Dad will InshaAllah be going to Canada end of this month. So that right there is the problem. I don’t have anyone to go there with and I can’t go there alone.
• Why is it that when I find something which is more than just good enough, I, myself am never good enough?
• I have been thinking of this one line from a song ‘Perfect Girl’ but I couldn’t remember the complete lyrics. This morning I concentrated really hard on the melody and the words came back to me and here they are:
Am I faithful, am I strong,
Am I good enough to belong?
In your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel
And all along I played the fool
All your expectations bury me

Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo knowing that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time

I own my insecurities
I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them 'round
'till I'm the one who brings you down
Make me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this

You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
You’ll find yourself alright alone
You’ll find yourself with open arms
You’ll find yourself in time

The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
'Cause I can't compete I can't deny
There’s nothing that I didn't try
How did I go so wrong in loving you?

• I was up sometime around midnight when i just got up from bed to turn off the lights. it was then that i realised that there were no lights on in my room. what was i thinking?
• I have been thinking of taking up a sport other than my fumbling with the basketball. The idea is getting stronger since I am rapidly becoming an insomniac. I just talked to Awais, who used to be a boxer and after duly warning about the effects on my hands, he gave me a list of things I need to buy and taught me the difference between a Jab, Hook, Upper cut and Straight right hand. So now, I am a boxer in theory :).
• The weather’s cloudy today. This can possibly be winter’s first rainfall.
• I saw Lava lamps at Haroon’s a few days back. I love lava lamps for some reason. Will probably buy a blue one.
• I may not be sleeping much but when i do sleep, i have all these fantastic dreams. In just one night, I burrowed holes in the Pyramid as a Tomb Raider, thus changing the way they've looked all these millenia. then i invented some contraption with which i could escape floods and fly over the rushing waters. Then something to do with castle and Dragons. No wonder i am not sleeping well.
• Saddy will be back in office from Monday so my yahoo messenger will be active once more, even if it’s just an exchange of good morning. Yup! Me and My lonely messenger.
• I have been on a gluttonous streak lately. Just the past morning, I had noodles for breakfast, came to office and had ‘payai and naan’ with Aneela, had a cup of green tea and then consumed the litre pack of Nestle Orange Juice all by myself. And was done with it by 11 a.m. and I still feel hungry.
So I’m off to grab a bite to eat!

Resumption of wedding season

Yup! It’ that time of year again where the weddings take place like everybody is in a cosmic race to get to the finishing line marked by the words 'I do' and you stand on the sidelines in your finery and hope that someday soon you too shall saying the same words.

Well, so much for saying those words, I have discovered a new delight in buying wedding presents. This week heralds three important ceremonies. Usman and Saba’s wedding is this coming Sunday. Shakeel who is my colleague and also trained with me in Karachi is getting married this Friday and one wedding that I Have already attended is Omer Bhai’s. Omer Bhai is Saddy’s cousin and was my senior in school. Yesterday, I met his bride for the first time and she turned out to be my senior from University, It’s a small world indeed. They both looked so happy together MashaAllah. Omer Bhai especially and I also got an invitation to visit them in Hyderabad which I readily accepted as I do plan on going to Karachi soon and of course I have to visit Jia in Hyderabad.

Speaking of Jia, I got a good scolding from her this Eid day when I called her from work. She totally freaked out when I told her I was working this eid. I got to hear the whole 'settle down, you never wanted to work, what happened to you' brigade all over again. I tried to calm her by saying that I will take my some days off to relax and she very rightly said that if I can’t relax on eid, what for and when will I ever relax.

Saddy looked gorgeous in white (white being my very favorite color) and me, I’ve always been content with being her nazar batoo. Yesterday, I wore my sari for the first time so needless to say, I was very nervous. I didn’t even feel like getting up from my chair and was the last to get dinner. I also met quite a lot of my old teachers who all went like…’look at you, you’ve changed so much’. What’s changed? I don’t know and I doubt if they know either. Then, this girl whom I don’t know at all, not even vaguely, stopped me and just said, I want to take your picture and I just mumbled a ‘why’? I guess my expression was enough for her to back off. But if I had given my consent, I’d probably have been featured on some girly magazine’s latest issue under the title ‘how not to wear a sari’. I also ran into this old classmate of mine from school. I was sitting in front of her for some twenty minutes and just when I was getting up to leave, I saw her and went to say hi. And she said the same thing…'I didn’t recognize you…you’ve changed so much'. What? Will somebody please tell me what’s changed already and whether the change is good or bad? Ambiguity seems to have become a norm.

Anyhoo, it was heartening to see two people so happy together MashaAllah. I am really looking forward to Usman and Saba’s wedding and will probably attend Shakeel’s Barat in Gujranwala. I may not be one for match-making at weddings and well weddings in general which are a waste of money but I am all for people getting married and staying happily married despite all odds. So here's to matrimony, the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented!

wanting it all!

Romana was my classmate back in college. True to her name, she is the most romantic soul I have ever come across and she was the first person who made me think about what I wanted in a person. I still remember we were standing by the stairs during a break and she was telling me about her latest crush while I was rolling up my eyes and telling her to get real. (The crush by the way was Ibrar-ul-Haq). Anyhoo, she was surprised at my response and asked me very directly given my lack of interest in guys, if I ever wanted to get married. I told her of course I did. That’s part of our lives. She then asked me who my ideal was. No romantic story or icky digest novel…straight and frank. I had never thought about it before and I told her that. She asked me to tell her on impulse what would impress me. I thought about it for a minute and said I would want the person to be educated, religiously inclined, someone who preferred books over movies, listened to my kind of music, an athlete, preferably a boxer and played chess and tennis and could ride a horse as well, someone with a good career so that money would never be an issue but not ridiculously rich, someone who loved to travel and had a very good sense of humor, patient and able to calm me down. And if he were good looking with all that, it would be a certain plus. And after saying all this, I asked Romana to tell me honestly if such a man existed and if he really did by some miracle, wouldn’t he be crazy to marry me? And if there was someone that crazy, wouldn’t I be insane to marry someone crazy?

It was Romana’s turn to roll up her eyes and tell me to get real but instead, she told me to be positive and not to underestimate myself or my luck.

As I grew up, I naturally gave it more thought and then slowly and gradually began to pray that my parents choose someone for me who was not merely religiously inclined but devoted to Islam. Someone who would give me the strength and inspiration to become a good muslim and in turn, I make him feel comfortable with his spiritual aspirations. Together we would raise a family that would be a good muslim family in Allah’s sight. It was never about the money he would earn or the jewels he would buy me but always about growing together to be good persons, essentially good muslims.

I always thought I was the practical one. I always thought I would marry someone chosen by my parents. And I almost saw my dream coming true. But see, in the real world, almost doesn’t count :). Can anyone imagine their fondest dream coming true only for it to change into their worst nightmare? And the nightmare becomes real, life becomes cruel and you’re clueless as to what hit you. Still you believe and try so hard to get back on track.

And then you think that you’ve been through enough Allah will surely reward you for your faith in Him, a new light shines on you. And you start thinking that Allah has answered all your prayers and the pain and the wait was worth it all and while you’re trying so hard to thank Him for His inestimable benevolence, you find that this is a test to see how many more pieces you can go into and then how many you can put back together and still stay faithful.

I spoke to Sam some days back. She called a day before eid and I went up to my usual place on our set upstairs to sit and talk without any intrusion. Sam shared some of her insight on life with me. I told her how my recent decision was still hurting me and I wondered if my decision was right or not. I believe what she said was right. She said that a good life is not essentially a happy life. And right decisions are generally painful. And just because we try to be good people, doesn’t mean that life will be kind to us. We do what we can and at the end of the day, it’s only Allah’s kindness that is our deliverance.

Lately I have been thinking about what is essentially wrong with me. Is there something about me that pushes all the good people away? Really? How could happiness have shown me its face twice in one year and then just disappeared? Are we playing some game of hide and seek cuz if we are, I am certainly losing.

But whatever is wrong with me, one thing is for sure, I dreamt of all the right things. The funny thing is that the right dreams were dreamt up by the wrong person.

But I still want it all. I am still unwilling to settle for anything less. Still trying to be persistent in my pursuit, and still, despite everything I have been through in just this one year, I am not willing to settle for anything less. I still want my dream, all of it, I still want my fairytale. That and nothing else.

Another Angry Outburst!!!

Why can’t some people understand when they are not welcome in your life, not even as mere shadows or well-wishers? Why is it that I am confronted with these ridiculous notions harbored by morons that when a girl refuses them, she is playing hard to get? Don’t they understand that if a girl wants somebody in her life, she does what she can to make them stay, not push them away? Why is it so hard for them to comprehend that when a girl likes someone, she likes them for the person they are and not for what they possess? Why can’t they realize it’s never a question of the lands to be acquired or the jewels to be owned but essentially of the life to be lived? Is it such an oddity for a guy to be refused on the basis of his lack of intellect? Has wealth really become the only yardstick for matrimony? And how dare I be threatened that I will regret my decision? Is it not my life to screw up?

Lord!!! I need a break!!!!

No Title

You can put down your guitar now,
The coffee’s getting cold.
I honestly don’t know how
Your heart escaped my hold.

It’s raining outside,
But you won’t stay.
My tears are not mine to hide
My prayers are not mine, not to pray

It’s strange how reality defies,
The dreams our eyes weave.
It’s strange how a heart cries,
When a stranger is about to leave.

So this is it! It’s too late
You have made your final bow.
The broken string defines my fate
You can out down your guitar now?

Unforgetful you!!!

I never minded calling You a King
If that meant that I could count on You
To give me everything
I never thought to ask You
I always thought You knew
It was never my intention to question You
You never minded calling me a child
Well, I guess that's how I acted all the while
But You live through every tantrum,
You see through every lie
Though they seem to be more common
I just wanted You to know why oh why

You never minded giving us the stars
Then showing us how blind
and unaware of You we are
You painted me a picture
and showed me how to see
Though I just won't behold it
Unless it pertains to me...

wasting time

I am alone in the office...
I have absolutely nothing to do...
No assignments...
No reports to prepare...
No colleagues to make fun of...
No mirror to make faces at...
No cat to kick and see if it lands on its feet...
No Saqib R to play chess with...
Nothing good on television...
No Friends who are up at this hour so i can make excellent use of company phone...
No e-mails to write...
and since i am fasting...
I can't chew 22 bubblegums at the same time to break my own record.

Bummer!!!!

so i am wondering if a person, no a whole civilisation can flourish on Burger based diet?

Can we? oh Please?

Bummer!

Disclaimer: Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored.

No animals were harmed in writing this blog, although the mangy dog living downstairs is breathing on borrowed time, let me tell you.

Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards,so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft: However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your resident Martian. If you have read this blog in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.

How did i go so wrong in loving you?

Octopus is busted and therefore, I have nothing to do but sit and reflect. My ruminations started last night while I was praying as part of 27th Ramzan. While I was praying my thoughts were all jumbled up and I was trying to find some place to start. It was then that I realized that ten months of this year have lapsed, simply drifted into history. Last year during ramzan, I was a different person, I was a hopeful person. Now I am just wistful. I have so much to look back at and so much to forget. For one glorious evening, I was the luckiest person on this planet. I had a family that loved me, somebody marvelous who wanted me and most of all, I had faith. I remember that morning so vividly when I dressed up not because I wanted to look good or had some place important to go to but because I felt beautiful. I thought I had stumbled onto true bliss this year, it turned out to be a mirage. And it shook the very foundations of my dreams but then again, dreams never require foundations and never make a solid foundation for anything, do they?

I have time today for some reason so I took to doing something I have been putting off for a long time. Cleaning my cell phone directory, my hand bag, and my yahoo and msn accounts and organizing my year planner…lol, ten months too late. I have this really bad habit of saving even one lined e-mails. Yahoo is very supportive in that but even my hotmail has e-mails as much as four years old. My cell phone has over two hundred contacts, I know only very few of them really well. My life has been cluttered by useless nostalgia. So today, I deleted numbers I know I will never use again, my brothers’ old numbers, friends that became acquaintances and acquaintances I don’t meet anymore. I deleted my old e-mails, some that I know by heart now. I know its weird but they meant something to me and I couldn’t let go.

And now I need to let go. I need to change.

This whole year has been about change and though if I look closely, the changes have mostly been in me. And yet, I haven’t changed essentially. It’s a line from some old song that truly marks my personality and predicament…

‘Like a fool who will never see the truth, I keep thinking something’s gonna change’.
But I have tried to change and I don’t think I have been very successful. And there have been numerous moments when I realized that somewhere in the past 23 years, I went very very wrong. In becoming what I thought would be someone Allah would love as His true worshipper, being a good muslim and making my family especially my parents proud, I lost my way completely and for that I can never forgive myself.

And then the questions originate. Is my self abhorrence so potent that I subliminally feel that I have to absolutely obliterate all that I am and eliminate all ties to that being? Am I such a slave to the moment that I am incapable of enriching my current environment? Do I even know where I am going; is it a worthy objective if I have to forgo everything and everyone I have ever cared about and dreams that I have nourished to become this improved individual? Aren’t people at an advantage without me in their world in my present state?

The petrifying panorama of this speculation is the one concern that I am most apprehensive about: am I tough enough to become more than I presently am? I have the requisite talent but latent and taught by time and experience, but I wonder if it'll be sufficient to stir up the old flames and relight my aspiration. The only thing that seems to be invariable is my resilience; for all of my blemishs (both inherent and taught), I am not a defeatist. It's just not me.

So even if there are no tomorrows for my squandered dreams and abandoned relationships, they were a part of my life and for that reason and that reason alone, worth remembering. So even if I clean up my inbox, my directory, my memories don’t require suitcases. And with me they shall remain for as long as I exist.