an auto graphical essay

i wrote this essay while preparing for my CSS english essay paper. thought i ought to save it.
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I always wanted to be someone; I should have been more specific.
I read this somewhere some years back and though the author’s name eludes me, the sentence just stayed with me. I remember back in third grade, we were asked to write an essay on ‘myself’. We were trained to acknowledge only our positive side. For instance, I wrote that I was punctual, that I obeyed my parents, was kind to my siblings etc. In simple words, I concluded the essay by writing that I was a ‘good girl’. I guess my teacher believed me and I got an A on my essay.

Years have passed. I am no longer a bright student and certainly not a good girl. Years have passed since I have been either. I can’t say that I am completely disappointed in how I turned out. I turned out to be someone…I just didn’t turn out to be the ‘Batool Fatima’ I wanted to be. When I think subjectively, I have a good degree from one of the best universities in the country. I started working before I graduated, the first in my class to land a double figure job. And my job has its perks. I get to travel and every now and then I meet really brilliant people. I have good career prospects if I decide to stick to this profession. And my biggest assets are my faith and my family. My father, though strict at times, has always supported me. My mother is probably the world’s most uncomplicated person. My brothers have always been my friends and my sister in law is the sister I never had. I live in a nice peaceful city where everyone knows everyone. If I start studying Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, I am as good as they come. I don’t have to worry about food, shelter, clothing except when there’s a party. I do have a distinct sense of belonging as far as my friends and family are concerned. Apart from a few awful episodes in my life, mine has been a very peaceful existence.

But how much of this is my contribution to myself?

I am lucky that I was born in a God fearing Muslim family. I didn’t choose my family, I was blessed with it. My education is not a big deal either because I was blessed with an above average intelligent mind so getting good grades was never an effort or a concern. Though I never had an exceptionally good account to give of myself, I did get a good job and though I am not pretty, with the right touch of makeup, I can be quite presentable. None of these aspects of my life have my contribution.

This is where my inner conflicts come in. This is where the turmoil begins and this is where the spring fast forwards to autumn.

I believe that it was Shakespeare who said:
“No one is born good or bad but the thinking makes it so”

Following the same lines, a saint’s character says as much in Paulo Coelho’s ‘the devil and Miss Prym’. He says that he has the same impulses as any other man, the same impulses of wickedness but he can control himself. I believe this truth is applicable to all of us. We are all born with the same motives and desires. Good deeds are hard to come by because on the onset they not only seem difficult, they are also rewarded in long run, where as we as humans can only see short run of events. We lack the foresight, the knowledge and the intelligence to be bothered with what is truly good for us. Good deeds are less tempting where as wickedness is just so irresistibly inviting. Oscar Wilde was condemned not because he was wicked but because he was vociferous. He clearly said:
‘I can resist anything but temptation’.

Oscar lived what he wrote. I, on the other hand, am living the songs I will never write. I will never write them because I am scared of being condemned. I am scared of being judged and found wanting. Deep down inside I am still a little girl who will only write what she has been taught is the right thing to write. I will never write about what really drives me to live. On some unknown and unfathomable level, death and Day of Judgment scare me. I will not be vocal about the paradox of my existence, how it’s insanely driven by so many conflicting forces. How on one hand I secretly want to look good and while in reality I wear a Hijab. I try to be religious but true to Ghalib’s spirit “ emaan mujhe rokai hai jo kenchai hai mujhe kufr….kaaba merai peechai hai kaleesa merai aagai”. I am the rope in the tug of war between good and evil and only I only I know how strenuous this game is. From time to time, I voice my feminist views and yet what I really want is to be married. I look at people who have no achievements in their life worth mentioning and I feel sorry for them. However, if I were to die today, I won’t have anything to show for my twenty odd years of existence. I laugh when the heroine cries at the end of the romantic movie as the hero is dying and honestly speaking, I want to fall in love too, to see if the world truly goes round or not.

This is who I am. I am no different from the rest of the world. I have my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations, my shortcomings, my demons, and my own story. We all do. Each and everyday, each and every one of us, by doing something we should be doing, not doing what we ought to be doing, and in some rare moments, by undoing the wrong we have done, write our own autobiographies. We all have our autobiographies…I am only trying to write a better one.

my last blog in all likelyhood

This is my second last day at work before i take off for my escapade called CSS exams. Talat's convinced im gonna flunk...i dont know if i will. i gotta give it a shot. maybe i am trying my luck...i don't know.
Talat just asked me if i could find a place for Noreen in Isloo. i think its a delightful idea, having her around office. Lately, i dont even have lunch cuz i have no one to have lunch with and eating and especially eating out has been a social activity for me. only had lunch with saddy on Friday...not since then. Noreen and i used to plan her move to isloo and if we could take an apartment. its a long shot but its worth a try.
its been raining again. Nubla remarked how much she likes this weather and well i do too. and i love eating samoosas in rainy weather, like saddy and i used to in PAF. tht was fun. i used to have samoosas in the office with Aneela but she's away...i think i should develop the habit of eating alone, cuz the way things are, i see plenty of lonely meals.
i will probably not write another blog for atleast another month...atleast. i am actually looking forward to it...i plan on studying seriously...like i have never studied before and actually spending time with my mom. lately i dont sepnd anytime with her...its like samreen's taken my place. and i will have proper breakfasts and i will stay away from the net as much as possible. lets see if i can revert to life as i knew it before starting this job and M.Sc.
i dont know when and if i will write the next blog. emotions and expressions have become cumbersome and every passing day makes me realize that they are useless and normally misunderstood. this blog is also an expression. i may write again...i maynot. i dont know how i will be by the time exams end. i may find some solace...but i find it unlikely. i can escape the world...i cannot escape myself.

a hazy shade of winter

Its funny how life seems to skip the conventions of time to take on different shades. this year has so far been trying for me and yet, i cant stop counting my blessings. but sometimes, the blessings take a back seat and i am left wondering why the most trivial things seem to matter the most.

our morning transmission is starting and we have a new set in the studio which shows most of Blue area through wide windows. i went to the studio for prayers and since it had rained, everything looked wet which reminded me so much of winters.i could see people rushing like they are usually rushing to get indoors in winters for warmth, every man seemed to be carrying a world of responsibility on his shoulders and i was wondering...'do my worries even begin to compare'? maybe not, but i am one person who just cannot stand herself. am i the only person who is uneasy in her own skin?. why is it that everything i do is wrong. people i prayed for with all my heart have stabbed me in my back...but is that relevant? life goes on. does it not? seasons change, leaves wither, flowers wilt, colors fade,beauty wrinkles, memories take a backseat, darkness creeps into your dreams,voices grow silent, songs die and summers take on a hazy shade of winter but life...life still goes on.

Rain.

Yesterday was the long awaited weekend. nothing extraordinary, just needed a days break from this mundane routine. i started studying for CSS yesterday and without exaggeration i studied more than i have in the past one year. and it felt good. i felt like i still have some control over my life. and i felt like going back to University...studying is good. studying is theraputic:)
it finally rained in the morning. the weather was becoming unbearably hot the past few days and the nights were just too long since i couldn't sleep.
this morning when it started raining and i finally felt like sleeping, i had to get up to get ready for office. then Nubla came and we drove to the office. i could see rain drops racing down the window and there are so many memories associated with rain...and i couldn't think of any. no songs, no moments. my mind has blocked out everything. only one memory prevails. i need new memories.

uptomistik

its been so long since i have chewed these kiddy buble gums like ding dong and bubble your name. the sad part of growing up is that you have to eat these sophisticated chewing gums that are just not fun to chew. i mean the whole fun of chewing gum is in this bubble we make. One of my colleagues just handed me a ding dong...which i dont even remember eating in quite a few years. and its fun!
struggling against inner demons is not easy. its a daily fight to not succumb to these creatures that make you want to eat out people. i woke up this morning in a lousy mood and since one side of my bed in set next to the wall, i probably wake up on the wrong side of the bed everyday. anyhoo, i dragged myself out of the bed, dressed in an overly starched Red & Orange dress, courtesy of Samreen. left the house looking dull and made it to the office. when i entered the only person in the office apart from me was my Ex's mamoo. i think of what happened to me everyday and everyday i feel like walking up to Mr. mamoo and asking him why they lied to me? and today was my perfect opportunity. i could scream shout really do what a part of me has been dying to do...unleash my fury!
i didn't!
i just came and sat at my chair, and started doing what i do everyday. i wanted to turn & give him a look, the sort that could kill.
i didn't.
then our other colleagues started pouring into the office and we were just talking, laughing like we do everyday and a few times, i could have made really sarcastic remarks that only Mr.mamoo could understand.
i didn't.
and i feel so good about myself. lately i have been becoming the worst version of myself. i can cry at a minutes notice. i feel bitterness and cynicism taking over me...and today i could have been so expressive in my bitterness but i held it back. its good to know i have some control over my life and self. and its good to know that though he took away my dreams forever, he couldnt take away my personality. its good to be me, even in an overly starched ren and orange shirt that makes me look like a 'khatrai ka nishan'.
p.s. i noticed this is my first 'uptomistik' blog ever:)

changes

the weather is so beautiful today. one of those days where you feel like being lazy, going to some glade, finding a tree to rest your back and read a good book while listening to soulful music. but thts not gonna happen:)
Nubla observed the other day that i have changed since the fiasco in May. she thinks i have become more serious now. i think i have become a lil' bitter and skeptical but i still laugh, i still enjoy good books, i still love to sleep. but the changes i see in myself have taken place over the years. i am not as fanciful as i used to be...i used to day dream a lot about all kinds of things, becoming an astronaut, being successful, being beautiful. when i seriously think about where i thought i would be five years ago, where i am now is an absolute contrast. back in matric, my Chemistry teacher predicted that in ten years time i would be 'very successful'. tht was back in 96. so 9 years are gone and i am as far from achieving greatness as i am from Jupiter.
but on the sunny side of my life...
i was looked at this picture of Ashwariya Rai..yup the one lady i've seen men drool over, even some one as 'khushk' as Adeel thinks the world of her. well, i noticed this picture of hers in which she looked like she had two tyres instead of a stomach. so i can atleast feel good about my stomach;)
this salesman has been trying to sell me a life insurance policy...i dont know if i should? its money i will get when i am dead!
saddy's hair looks gorgeous btw. Black currant really suits her. wish i could do something about the way i looked. well, i can change the color of my scarves every single day:)

effigy

Moving on isn’t easy...especially when your past is all you can think of and the future seems vague and uncertain. its more difficult when you see the people responsible for hurting you every single day...see them happy and going on with their lives while you're still in a state of shock.
Moving on isn’t easy but that’s the only way you can stay sane.
Moving on isn’t easy but what other choice do I have?
So I am moving on...I am moving on and I am walking away from broken dreams, sleepless nights, lies, deceit, treachery, compromises and useless tears...i am moving on to whatever the future holds for me, I am moving on to a brighter day... i am moving on to realistic pursuits and practical ambitions.
Saddy said something to me the day after my engagement was called off …she said ‘Batool! Events like these in our lives make us spiral…however; the direction in which we spiral is our prerogative…you can either spiral up or you can spiral down. Spiraling down is easy… most people do it. But if you choose to spiral up, though it isn’t easy… you will end up with a view.
Saddy’s right…sometimes I can’t believe how strong she is. Sometimes I think she survives on pure will power…sometimes it surprises me how much she’s endured and how she still loves life. She didn’t give up on life and I can’t either.
So I am moving on, not as the person I was but as the person I am destined to be. I gotta leave my old self behind…

So I am going to burn an effigy of everything I used to be.

when does it stop hurting

i have been trying to resolve some specific path in my life...i feel that whatever i decide now will affect the whole course of my life. but i am cluless!
bhai's friend saqib called just now...he found out that i got engaged and was angry that we didnt tell him. and i had to tell him what happened. and it still hurts. two months on and the pain still brings me to my knees, still makes me cry, still makes me want to hide my face, still takes me back to tht one week where i start re-living all that i have been thru in those 7 days. i dont know how this will ever end? i know he's happy and married...i want to be happy and married too. but he's the winner in this equation...
the other day i realised that i had taken a few things for granted. i thought i was oh such a nice girl...i pray, i fast, i respect mt elders, observe purdah to some extent...i thought i was entitled to happiness. i was wrong. i was so wrong and yet i feel wronged.
gonna go talk to boss and ask for leave to prepare for CSS. i hope this works out. i need for this to work out...desperately!!!!!!