Manic Monday

Shan’s here!!!!

Saturday evening was very pleasant. We were invited at Amrat’s and she is a very good cook. I am forever asking her for recipes. Though I love to cook and so does she, the difference between the two of us is that I don’t eat what I cook. She cooks because she loves to eat. She recently joined the FJ faculty and kept on taunting me how she had nine days off to laze around. Then Bhai took us shopping. Our leather jackets are still not ready. Hers is a size small and mine makes me look like a hanger. This is the third time I have ordered an alteration. As for the pink jacket, it’s a few sizes too big!

I woke up yesterday at around 12:30. I can’t remember the last time I woke up this late. Spent the day doing absolutely nothing. Shan’s flight was expected at 1800 hrs so we basically had khajoor, offered our prayers and rushed to the airport. Shan’s younger than me and almost 12 inches taller. And every time I tell him that I miss him, he says ‘there there lil’ cho!’ Cho, I am told, means butterfly. He’s here for a week InshaAllah and that means that I will be playing chess, cooking macaroni and cheese, making French fries, watching movies, and he has to fix my basketball ring and most importantly listening to my endless chatter and taking me for shopping! I still have some essential shopping to do. Have to buy shoes and scarf to match my sari. And I still have to buy a stole for Usman. I went to Khaddi to get one for him but they had nothing for guys except kurtas and Usman is not a kurta person. I got Usman’s Valima invitation by the way and he chose to use the words printed on the card that were written by me.

I spoke to Shoaib online yesterday. He was my senior in the university and is a family friend. These days, he is studying Finance in Lugano, some place in Switzerland. Anyhoo, my display pic was the one I posted in one of my earlier blogs. He commented that the color was really nice and since usman and saba are known to him as well, I told him how I had nabbed saba’s duppata. We talked about his studies and how he is bay-car these days. Then as I was about to log off and was wishing him well, he said in exactly these words…’and when the time for you to get married comes, consider this color, it suits ya’. I think I am going to remember this compliment :) I think it’s a compliment, isn’t it?

Its taken me over three hours to write these three paragraphs. It is yet another manic Monday at office and Dogar sahib has changed my seat. I like my old seat because sitting at the present one means I constantly have to monitor the facsimile and coordinate with the regional correspondents. I do hope I get off at four so I can go home and make iftari for shan.

Well back to work!

Juma-tul-Wida

Faisal Masjid is truly a beautiful masjid. No doubt about it. As I had promised myself that I would offer my Friday prayers in Faisal Masjid, I went there for the first time without my family or friends. I still remember the first time I went there. It’s a very vivid and a very fond memory for me. When it was constructed, my Mamoo had brought my nani to our place in Pindi so he could take her to see Faisal masjid. My nani and I were very close and she loved me dearly. Everyone used to say we looked like each other. Anyhoo, I remember how much my nani loved the masjid and on our way back she blessed my mamoo with these words ‘sohni ja wikhaii aa Shalla sohni ja waikhai’ these were her exact words. I was seven then but these words are still fresh in my memory. They’re Punjabi for ‘you brought me to see this beautiful place, InshaAllah you will see a beautiful place yourself’ a clear indication to Makkah and Madina. Well, I remember that less than a year later, my mamoo got a job with Bin Laden Company and has been in Madinah since.

I went there the last time in summer of ’99. It was our NCC trip for all the girls who had come from middle east to do their NCCs. So today, I went there after six years. It’s such a magnificent place with the mountains in the view. Though I had left the office early, the main hall for females was full when I got there. I preferred to be outside in any case. The thing I love the most about masjids, especially Masjid-ul-Haram and Masjid-un-Nabi is that it’s not just a holy place. The purpose of a masjid is to serve as a place for community gathering as well. I don’t like the way nikahs are performed these days in wedding halls. They should be done in holy places in simple ceremonies. I also don’t like the fact that masjids have ceased to be a part of our daily life. I think children should be taken to masjids from an early age so they develop the habit of offering prayers and reading Quran. I realized today how much I missed my life in Jeddah and what I miss the most is not being able to visit the two holy mosques. I especially miss the time of Hajj and I miss how Abu used to wake us in the middle of the night so we could drive to Makkah, offer our Fajr prayers there and come back in time for him to go to office and for me to catch the college bus. We used to spend our weekends in Madinah since both Thursdays and Fridays were off. When I had come back from Jeddah, I used to ask Allah ji everyday why I couldn’t be there where He was. And this question has started haunting me again.

Abu & uncle Khalid picked me up today. Uncle K was our neighbor in Jeddah and is with my dad in the ministry now. He asked me if I were in the mood for Pizza and being the paitoo that I am, I couldn’t say no. so we stopped for Pizza at Rahat and got home just in time. After Maghrib I went online to do some research about this project I have decided to take over. I met Noreen on-line after a long time and we ended up talking about work and life’s general miseries.

So tomorrow’s the 24th Roza I think, unless I have lost count again. Iftar’s at Amrat’s and food gonna be delectable. I can’t wait!!!
One more day to go before shan comes:)

A Tale of two cities

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. It was the age of wisdom; it was the age of foolishness.

I read ‘A tale of two cities’ by Charles Dickens when I was a little girl, long long time ago. But I really began to understand the power of its opening lines in college. The novel was written, I believe in 1859 and even after almost 150 years, I think these lines are applicable to every single epoch and era. It holds true for me today as much as it ever did.

I don’t need to write about how blue or how lost I have been in my personal chaos and the chaos around me. It took me five months to pick up my pieces and well, first cut it always the deepest. Life can try but I am not going down without a fight.I found this excellent excerpt...

To transform breakdowns into breakthroughs is the whole function of a master. The psychotherapist simply patches you up. That is his function. He is not there to transform you. You need a meta-psychology, the psychology of the buddhas. It is the greatest adventure in life to go through a breakdown consciously. It is the greatest risk because there is no guarantee that the breakdown will become a breakthrough. It does become, but these things cannot be guaranteed. Your chaos is very ancient - for many, many lives you have been in chaos. It is thick and dense. It is almost a universe in itself. So when you enter into it with your small capacity, of course there is danger. But without facing this danger nobody has ever become integrated, nobody has ever become an individual, indivisible. The dawn is not far away, but before you can reach the dawn, the dark night has to be passed through. And as the dawn comes closer, the night will become darker.

Today is Juma-tul-wida Alhumdulilah. I know all of us who get to see Ramzan are lucky ones. My only regret is that this year, I haven’t been half the person I used to be. This time I was so eager for ramzan and then I became so engrossed in this earthquake coverage that it drained me. My trivial issues with life also added to the effect. Yes! They were trivial and I am glad I have moved on. And I still have this blog and its here for a reason I guess.

Yesterday, as Sanny and I had pre-planned to drag Nubla out and for all of us to have iftar at my place. I left my office, thirty minutes earlier than usual and went shopping for supplies. Picked up saddy and went home. Once there, I told her to stay put while I went into the kitchen to prepare for iftar. Then Nubla, Sanny, Sani and Erum came and there came a point when I was standing in the kitchen shouting ‘get out of my kitchen’ like a fat cook! I wish I were a fat French cook and knew how to prepare all these exquisite French desserts.

Anyhoo, we had Iftar, more discussions on earthquake. Then after offering our prayers, we went to our usual haunts in order to be supremely mischievous. My usual rounds of depression followed but good company always cures that. We went shopping and then Sani dropped us all back.

Sanny had to drop Nubla back so I accompanied her. On our way back, Sanny started talking to me very seriously and I was so pleasantly surprised. Sanny’s a good pal, in fact she’s been there for me like no one else. Since she lives close to my place, I usually go over and talk things out. But it’s generally her good nature and humor that revives my spirit. Yesterday, it was her calm logic that put things into perspective for me. I am glad I have a friend like her….I have so much to be grateful for.

Two more days before Shan comes:)

So, its Juma-tul-wida and Aneela and I had planned on going to Faisal Mosque for Prayers. She just called to tell me she cant make it so i guess i am on my own.

There’s a possibility that I might be working this eid day as well visiting children who have lost their families. But I don’t really mind. I know I am lucky to have a family and these children need to know that they’re not alone. No matter how lonely we feel sometimes, we are never really alone.

My Utopian Hell

So far, I have only written about the things that make me happy, or cause me distress. Today, I will write about things that make me angry and people that I despise. And what I despise are weak men…I hate men who preach one thing and practice another. I hate men who make commitments and on the very first test of loyalty cry off! I hate men who under the pretense of being pious are actually munafiqs. I hate men who have wishbones instead of backbones. I hate men who cannot take charge of their lives and keep on looking for ‘saharai’. I am not angry at men, I am angry at weak men. I am a very conservative person and I essentially believe in the goodness of people. But Lord! Do I have to come across these shallow creatures? Must my faith be tested everyday? How much more of this can I take?

Mercuric at best!

Why is it that mothers always see right through us? No matter what fascia we put up…they always know we are pre-occupied. I have always been able to strong around Abu but around Ammi I am always ready to fall apart. Though lately I try not to burden my mother with the ridiculous details of my life, she still can tell. Last night, she actually sat me down and told me again that I need to not think. But how can I not think. As long as I am working, I generally overcome my thoughts and anxieties but when I am home and alone in my room, I am back to ground zero. I don’t even feel like reading anymore.

I missed Shan so intolerably last night. It gets really quiet in my home after nine usually. Ammi and Abu are early sleepers; Bhai has his CIA preparations and Aban’s away. I guess that is why I had become so dependent on music. So I called him while he was having his dinner and we talked for quite sometime till he again reminded me of how the phone bill would be astronomical and I had to put the phone down. I can’t wait for Shan to get back, another four days till he comes and they already feel like four centuries.

Ammar’s grandfather passed away this Sunday. I know how much Ammar loves his grandparents. He’s the only one amongst his family who actually genuinely cares about us all. I had not spoken to him for almost two years so I mailed him. He’s completing his Bar-at-Law in England and was very upset that he couldn’t be here. I also mailed Faisal to thank him for looking after my father in Oxford. This is probably the first time in years that I have communicated with this estranged part of my family. It quite puzzles me that people who can be so close can become so distant. Are family ties and relationships so delicate that slightest disparity in opinions can cause people to not speak to each other for years?

It’s obvious I am not in my best mood today but I am optimistic. I am thinking of this song by Amy Grant that went something like…
It takes a little time sometimes
To get your feet back on the ground
It takes a little time sometimes
To get the Titanic turned back around
It takes a little time sometimes
But baby you're not going down
It takes more than you've got right now
Give it time

What's this walking thru' my door
I know I've seen the look before
Sometimes in faces on the street
Sometimes in the mirror looking back at me
You can't fix this pain with money
You can't rush a weary soul
You can't sweep it under the rug, now honey
It don't take a lot to know

Now it may not be over by morning
But Rome wasn't built in a day
You can name that thing a thousand times
But it won't make it go away
Let me put my arms around you
And hold you while you weep
We've been talking and you know what
I'm sick of this talk
And it's nothing that won't keep

Lol…its funny how little things can instantly brighten your day. One of my all time favorite movies is ‘The Wedding Singer’. It’s essentially a feel good movie and features songs from my favorite era…The 80s!!! While I was searching for Amy Grant’s lyrics, I found Adam Sandler lyrics and there I found the lyrics to one of my very favorite songs. And it also contains the introduction to the song as given by Billy Idol. Here it is…

[Billy Idol (Speaking):] Good afternoon everyone.
We're flying at 26,000 feet, moving up to thirty thousand feet, and then we've got clear skies all the way to Las Vegas, and right now we're bringin you some in-flight entertainment. One of our first-class passengers has written a song inspired by one of our coach passenger, and since we let our first-class passengers do pretty much whatever they want, here he is.

[Robbie Hart (Singing):]
I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you
Feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

Isn’t the song just adorable? I think I am all perked up for the day now so I will go make the best of it InshaAllah.

Bent

I woke up yesterday with a queer feeling in my stomach and I couldn’t help thinking how much more of these mornings will I have to face in my life. I dragged myself out of the bed went through the rituals of getting ready for the office, got here and started working. That’s the way to get rid of that perplexing feeling that makes you uncertain…get right into the day and work yourself to death. I just didn’t know what the day had in store for me.

Ikram Sahab, his nana, the guy who had arranged this (mis)match came to our office yesterday. I had only seen him once after that debacle when I had to go to our BR Bureau and the just the sight of him had made me sick. I remember just running back to our office. Since then I had prayed that I never see him again. Well, I did yesterday. And though I tried to avoid him, he actually had the impudence to block my way and tell me that he had watched one of my reports the other night and really liked the work I was doing. Why can’t these people just leave me alone? I just mumbled a thank you and stood my ground till he moved aside. I know I was extremely discourteous but what am I supposed to do?

Anyhoo, the day improved after that. I went window shopping, sold my cell phone and will InshaAllah be buying a new one today. Sajeela called me to ask if I were free in the evening and we could go to Saba’s. I very readily agreed since I wanted to give saba her wedding present before the wedding. I came home, had some time so contemplated playing basketball but I couldn’t. I still haven’t fixed the ring. So Sanny and I went for a walk. After Iftar, I went up cuz I needed to pray with all my heart. I am lost and it’s twice this year but this time I am strong. I know I will find my way back InshaAllah. I just know I will. Allah has always been very kind to me, I can’t be forsaken now.

So we went to Saba’s in the evening. Lol, it turned out to be an adventure. Abu was in a hurry to catch his Isha prayers so he said he wud drop us outside Saba’s street. It was dark and the last time I went to Saba’s was in Jan ’05. Sajeela’s only been to her place once so we forgot the street. We got off and entered the street, lots of houses, none that was Saba’s. We entered another street, still the wrong one. At this point, we had started laughing and doubting whether we were in the right sector at all? So we walked back to the main road and found the right street. When we rang the bell and saba opened the door she said” how come you girls came so quietly?”

We spent the evening looking at Saba’s trousseau. Her wedding dress is gorgeous and i felt like hogging it and i did...


It may have been boring but seeing how happy my friend was, made me happy. It’s never the things we buy, or the clothes we plan to wear, it’s always how we feel when we do these things. I remember reading somewhere that on their wedding day; the bride is the most beautiful girl and the groom, the handsomest. And it doesn’t matter if it rains on that day because every rain drop carries in it a world of sunshine. I think happiness makes people beautiful.

It’s good looking at happiness even if it’s through other people’s eyes.

My song for today will have to be Matchbox twenty's bent:

If I fall along the way
pick me up and dust me off.
and if I get too tired to make it
be my breath so I can walk

If I need some other love
give me more than I can stand
and when my smile gets old and faded
wait around I'll smile again

shouldn't be so complicated
just hold me and then
just hold me again

can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
get put back together
you're breaking me in
and this is how we will end
with you and me bent

If I couldn't sleep could you sleep
could you paint me better off
could you sympathize with my needs
I know you think I need a lot

I started out clean but I'm jaded
just phoning it in
just breaking the skin

start bending me
It's never enough
I feel all your pieces
start bending me
Keep bending me until I'm completely broken in

NUMB!!!

I have been working and working and working. These past days have been interesting but interesting is a fleeting concept on its own. Day before yesterday, I flew for the first time in a helicopter. I saw my office building and my home from the air. I went to Balakot to see how the rescue operations were going. The field hospital setup by the Arabs is very efficient I must say and they have all the latest equipment. Since all the doctors and paramedical staff there were Arabs, I actually felt like I was back in KSA. The helicopter pilot was American and he as kind enough to take me to see Balakot. For once I was glad to see everything from the air. Even from that distance, the devastation is absolute. There is no other way about it. It’s like when you’re a kid and you play with your building blocks and if you don’t like what you build, you destroy it with one sweep of your hands. Everything goes to waste…that’s how it is looked…wasted!

Yesterday Sajeela called me to go shopping for Usman and Saba’s wedding present. We had been debating over what to get for Saba for a long time and we knew what she wanted. Jewelry!!! So we went and bought her this really nice kundan ka set. It’s funny really. I have bought so many wedding related things I really ought to become a wedding planner. I am living the life of a wedding planner, might as well make some money out of it as well.

Anyhoo, buying a present from Usman was not easy. Sajeela and I went everywhere we could think of. I went to Junaid Jamshed cuz I thought a nice khaddar stole would be nice but they had lousy stuff. Illusions, Haroon’s good stuff, nothing for Usman. So maybe I will just get him a perfume. During our shopping expedition, Sajeela and I kept on talking about how a few years from now Usman would be fat like any other businessman but Saba would still be skinny cuz she worries too much. I am so happy for both of them MashaAllah. It’s good to see that even in this day and age people still find happiness. My two good friends made for eachother, I guess in some cases there are happily ever afters.

I had to interview two ex-pats yesterday. The girl is a 24 year old civil engineer and the guy is a naval aviator. I thought it was so cute when I asked him how he decided to join the air force. He was like ‘I just loved Top Gun’. I think all of us loved Top Gun but how many actually get to live their dream.

Interviews done and over with, I came back, talked dogar sahib to let me go early and take the weekend off which should be off in the first place. I came home and talked to Iram about meeting up today for the rugby thing. Turned out she has an exam on Monday so now I have no one to go with. I missed Shan so much yesterday. I went up to the roof and stayed there till my fingers were numb and blue with cold and me, I think I have been blue and numb for a long time now. I need to be numb, there’s no other way to survive really.

I kept waking up through the night, looking at time and I didn’t relax till the sehri time passed. I tried sleeping in the morning but I couldn’t. So I spent the morning just roaming around, offered my Zuhr prayers and went to Sanny’s.

Sanny was rearranging the furniture in her room and putting up new blinds. So we arranged her room and then sat and talked. I like decorating rooms; I only don’t get a chance to do that very much.

I have been thinking. Do we somehow know what’s going to happen to us? Deep down inside, do we have an inkling of what the coming days store for us? I think we do. I listened to Sarah Mac’s ‘arms of the angel’ in college and it has meant so much to me. It hold true especially today and something inside me, tells me that it always will.

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

FUN!

Sanny and I had planned on visiting Maria so yesterday both of us went to Pindi. On our way, we stopped at Mohsin’s to order my sari’s stitching. I haven’t been there in over eight months and the lady still recognized me. Sanny liked the bridal dresses so much, she wants to get married just so she can order one for herself. Anyhoo, that done and over with, we started our quest for Maria’s place and a quest it was.

Gulrez can be termed a ‘land far far away’. It took us nearly an hour to locate her place and her dogs Yogi and Lucy were the welcoming committee when we finally did. Gulrez has good houses, if only it was not so remotely located. Maria’s lounge has a ‘jhola’ in it which is a traditional sindhi jhola. Needless to say Sanny and I acted like kids who had seen their favorite ride. Hats off to Maria’s in-laws who thought our enthusiasm was endearing and regaled us with stories of times when these jholas were part of every household. InshaAllah, I will have one in my room as well.

Maria and her hubby had gone to Thailand last month and brought me this photo album from there. I am going to keep it till I visit Thailand on my own and put Thai pictures in my Thailand photo album. They don’t call me the queen of corn for no reason!


We then went up to Maria’s roof top. You can see all of Islamabad and Rawalpindi from there. I wish the mobile camera took better pictures at night time.


We then went to see this lady Maria has been looking after in RGH. She was brought to the hospital from Muzafarabad. Her pelvic bone was severely fractured when her house fell down due to the earthquake. She is here alone with all of her surviving family back in what’s left of Muzafarabad. She can’t even sit up. RGH is in poor condition. Its washrooms don’t even have water and that’s the least of its shortcomings. The hospital dispensary sells medicine of only one pharmaceutical company. Maria introduced us to the lady and asked her if she had taken her medicine. The poor lady hadn’t because the nurse had ‘other things at hand’. The dispensary didn’t have the required medicine so Maria went to buy it from a nearby pharmacy while I took to feeding her soup. As I was doing so, I tried talking to her, asking her about her family, she told me her youngest son died in the disaster and that he was her favorite child. She totally caught me off guard when she asked me if she was ever going to be alright. It’s so heartbreaking to see people seeking comfort from complete strangers. I tried to give her my most reassuring smile and told her she will be up and walking in three months. I don’t know if she will but I think she needed to hear something positive. Maria returned with the medicine and we bid her farewell. As we were about to leave, she gestured me to come forward and then she gave me a hug. I felt so sorry for her. It was obvious she missed her family and has to rely on unfamiliar faces to feel some warmth.

We then went to sadar to this shopping center which had really amazing stuff.

and there was something for everyone!


Afterwards we went to Safilo for shakes where I found this notice “order only for waiters’. Sanny and Maria are English teachers and the three of us couldn't help discussing what the right sentence would be.



Maria dropped Sanny and I back so it was a long drive and we got to singing. Singing all kinds of urdu/English songs in qawali style is our specialty. We sang punjabi songs, old Pakistani & Indian songs, everything we could sing all the way to Islamabad.

i came back home today and was so tired, i fell asleep in the lounge at 6:30 p.m. now i am up, will probably stay up the whole night and be a wreck in the morning. oh well.....Boss always comes to the news desk with a cup of coffee, i am sure the wafts of coffee will keep me up.

Roses on the Moon

Is it me or does the moon look really sad tonight?

I came back from office just in time for aftar. I watched TV, more of the earthquake coverage and after saying my Isha prayers, I came to my room. It’s taken me a whole week just to notice that the paintings on my wall are misbalanced due to the earthquake. All this time I have been too tired and now I am too indifferent to set them right. Let them stay.

So I turned off the lights and pulled up the blinds to see if the moon had made its way into my window. It hadn’t. I kept looking out of the window without blinking for a long time. It was then that the silence in the room and the silence within reinforced each other. Silence is very welcome when all you hear the whole day is how many people got killed. But silence can be cruel. Silence gnaws at the façade you construct around yourself. Silence brings out the cries you’ve silenced within you. Silence can be so maliciously loud sometimes & Silence makes you realize that what you’re looking for doesn’t exist.

And so I write tonight of a moon I saw seven years ago in Ramzan. My family and two other Pakistani families decided to have our iftar together in this mosque we had heard of. Its foundations are in the Red sea and when you stand in the mosque you stand on the sea, on the waves beneath. I was the eldest amongst the kids and a girl. So naturally while the boys were running around the dictates of my purdah proscribed me from any such activity. I then wandered to this corner of the mosque. The image is still unsullied in my mind. The moon unlike tonight was glorious. The waves were gentle and the night was balmy. It was in that moment that I prayed that some day, in not so distant future; I could come to that very place with my husband.

What does Allah ji do with dreams that don’t come true? I know we will be rewarded for our unanswered prayers but what about dreams? Dreams are different from prayers arent they?

I have dreamt and I have prayed. Lord knows I have! I used to dream of having a family of my own, my own little home. Every girl dreams that, no? I used to watch little boys and girls play and run around Masjid-ul-Haram and Masjid-un-Nabi and I wished that my kids could be so lucky. And I wanted my kids to have braces so they had perfect smiles, unlike mine.

Silence tonight made me realize how useless my dreams are and how irrelevant to existence. And yet, while I exist to hurt, I hurt to exist. So tonight I have made a decision I should have made a long time back. I know this wrong decision is being made for all the right reasons. I should have made it a long time ago; it would have saved my parents and me a lot of anguish. But I had never before in my life confronted such silence. And this silence tonight taught me that there really are no roses on the moon.

All four seasons

I have been trying to write something for the past three days but every time I get started, something comes up and I stop midstream. Let’s see if I can actually finish this one now.

I fell asleep at 10:30 yesterday as I was really tired. There was yet another powerful aftershock last night. When it happened I was so exhausted that I just opened my eyes, saw the moon shining and went back to sleep. Even the extraordinary tends to become mundane.

There is nothing in the office except the quake coverage. I have been visiting hospitals and it is supremely depressing. I don’t understand how I am supposed to be a professional, ask these people what happened to them and then just walk away. I met little children with amputated limbs, women whose back bones are so severely injured that they may never be able to walk again, men who have lost everything they worked for. Once when I got back to the office, it was nearly aftar time and I just broke down on the stairs and forgot that I had been fasting the whole day.

I guess that’s why my mother actually ordered me to leave my work in the office when I come home. Lol, my mother who has never even ordered me to have breakfast or to tidy my room told me specifically that I need to not think about this. So here’s my attempt to be lighthearted.

I took out my sweaters and blanket a couple of days back. It’s chilly in the evenings and I have never been good against cold weather. The funny thing is that I don’t catch cold easily and even if I do, it’s no more than two three days so I guess I am pretty healthy Alhumdulilah. However, this gave me an excuse to order a new leather jacket. I am supposed to get it today but Aban’s family is coming over for iftar so I guess I will get it on Monday. I saw this pink leather jacket there and I have a feeling that I will end up buying it. It’s pink but it’s stitched in biker chick kind of style so…talking of pink, I still need to go get my sari stitched for Usman & Saba’s wedding. Yesterday I spoke to Sajeela about their wedding present and I have no idea what to buy them. I think I will go hunting for their present one of these days. Anyhoo, more on pink… I have a pink book in my pink bag. It’s titled ‘Zen and the art of Motorcycle Maintenance’.

Sanny and I are InshaAllah going to Maria’s place on Monday. Maria is probably the most fun 28 years old ever. We taught together in BSS. I didn’t make this many good friends studying in school as I did teaching. Maria lives in Gulraiz, one area of Rawalpindi I have only been to once and that was for Ali Bhai’s wedding. It’s the remoteness of Gulraiz that has been a hurdle in our visiting her for over a year. So this trip is certainly a long time in coming.

Oh finally some good news. TJ got married!!! TJ was my Mathematical Economics and General Equilibrium in Money Market’s teacher. He’s my dad’s age and was truly one of our university’s legends. And legend has it that he fell for this girl (who by the way was also our teacher) when both of them studied in QAU. She was betrothed, he never made an effort. So, after she got married he devoted himself completely to his studies and religion. He has a post-doctorate in something and truly a very deendar person. I remember once I was looking for a place to pray since there was mosque in QAU which even had a “nikhakhawa” but no place for girls to pray, he saw me roaming around the department with a prayermat in my hands, looking for empty classrooms. He told the peon that whenever I needed to pray, I should be given keys to his office. lol..i was lousy at maths and he knew it. But he always helped me. Anyhoo, he got married some days back and to this lady who works in PIDE and practices complete purdah. I am told that it was this quality that TJ liked about her. I am really very happy for him. There are indeed pious women for pious men. My class and I are thinking of inviting them over for a dinner.

OK…enough ruminating for now. Dogar sahib just cancelled An and my weekly off. I will be working on sundays as well. augh!

Day 5

I don’t even have to write about how tired I am. It’s evident in my eyes. Hani came to the office today to get her experience certificate and the first thing she said was ‘looks like you’ve stopped sleeping’. Lol.

Yesterday was spent in arranging news reports and coverage of Northern areas and AJK. I am glad they have shifted the Sehri transmission to head office because we do need to focus on this area. The images are pouring in, each story is heart wrenching. I don’t think you ever become distant or numb to this pain. When I met the kids from Bagh and Rawalakot in PIMS the other day, I couldn’t get over the fact how their eyes had become vacant. When I meet a person what instantly captures my attention are the eyes and all I got from these kids were mostly unfilled stares. Their eyes looked at me; their mind didn’t register my presence. I did meet this 16 year old girl from AJK who instantly became my favorite. Both her legs had been fractured and she was one of the lucky ones who were rescued. When I asked for her name, she smiled back at me. I can’t recall a single instance in my life when a smile was so rare and so welcome.

Had to stay late in office rather unnecessarily. Boss had called a meeting at 4 and then some friend of his showed up. And a very pretty friend at that! So the meeting was postponed for after maghrib. I don’t like having aftari at office but I like praying on the office roof after maghrib. It was especially nice yesterday after the rain. Yet I know what rain here means in muzafarabad. It snowed on the mountains in AJK. Things are not getting any easier, are they?

I spoke to Saba last night. She is completely overwhelmed with the wedding preparations. I know it’s not easy for her but in some twisted way, I envy her. I wish I could be concerned with the mundane as well. I spoke to Usman this morning. He told me his father has moved to Manshehra to supervise relief efforts. I keep on thinking of this house we once visited in Manshehra. I remember it so vividly. It belonged to my chacha’s friend who was once Shah Iran’s pilot. It was a simple structure with a huge lawn. The view was implausible as the house was on the edge on a mountain and you could see the whole valley below. I fell in love with the place. There were apple trees in the back lawn and they were full of blossoms. I remember that the wind blew the white blossoms around like snow flakes. The place was perfect. I would not have changed anything. It was a dream come true but it belonged to someone else. I had vowed that I would save enough to buy the place. I know the place is gone now…

Ali called last night. I have never seen him so serious and so concerned about anything. I mean if I ever talked about something serious all I got to hear was ‘taqreer nahi’. And here he is, angry at his organization for not donating anything and visiting hospitals and buying supplies for the injured. As we were talking he picked up his guitar and started playing ‘wake me up when September ends’ by green day. I told him I have given up music and he said ‘fine! I will mail you the lyrics’. Lol, that’s what I have been doing ever since I stopped listening to music.

I just found out that there was an earthquake in Karachi last night. I am so worried about shan and everybody else I know there. I know I need to be strong but I have seen too many images just sitting in my office. I can’t help being scared.

Zamir Sahib just returned from Balakot. He asked me to screen the visuals he had brought and write a script for him. I found something completely ironic in the footage. There was a girls college which had completely collapsed save one wall. Now on that wall, was a list of cities with their specific characteristics like ‘the city of lights-karachi, city of mosques etc. one of these cities was’ the city of dead-moejodaroo’. Balakot itself has factually become the city of dead.

If only...!

In my personal life, this day has to go down as the day when I heard the funniest and corniest statement, something straight out of a Pakistani movie. I actually laughed so hard I think I nearly died.

Man! I would be the luckiest person on this planet if these confessions did it for me!

All too Human!

Yesterday was an ordeal in all entireties. There is no other way about it. The details are irrelevant. What do details do really? Do they ever reconstruct the inner conflicts on the chaos that surrounds us? Do they ever really?

It’s another day back at work. There are days when you’re physically tired, others when you’re mentally exhausted, and there are days when you’re both. This is how it is for me today. This is how it was yesterday as well. But does it really matter? Do our once in a lifetime selfless acts ever really matter? Are they even remembered?

I woke up this morning with this song in my head. Saddy probably recognizes it. It was a particular favorite back in college. I had not thought of this song in years and here it was in my head, all this time. I still remember the lyrics.

The sky isn't always blue
The sun doesn't always shine
It's alright to fall apart sometimes,
I am not always you
And you are not always mine
It's alright to fall apart sometimes

After all is said and done
One and one still is one
When we cry, when we laugh
I am half, you are half

The heart isn't always true
And I am not always fine
We all have an angry heart sometimes

Look how far we have come
One and one still is

One moon
One star
I love the one we are
One thread
One line
Let's stand still in time

One moon
One star
I love the one we are
One thread
One line
That runs through our lives

Shaken!

Almost thirty hours have passed since the first earthquake Saturday morning at 0855. In my entire life I have never seen a day like 8th October. I do vaguely remember the Ojhri camp blasts but I was very young then and the gravity of the situation was completely lost on me.

I went to the office with An according to our new Ramadan timings. We entered the service road from the chowk and crossed ABL, An noticed something falling from the building, then I saw people running out of their offices. Meanwhile, the driver was trying to brake but the car was almost sliding and wouldn’t stop. We figured maybe the tyre was punctured. It took almost a hundred feet before the car came to a halt. It was then that I noticed that the buildings were shaking.

Yesterday was a day of constant fear. My office is on the third floor and I can’t count the number of times I ran up and down the stairs. Our main set with the blue area high rise and presidency is on the fifth floor. Basically my day was spent running up and down the stairs, half of the time because of the after shocks and the rest of it to convey the next piece of news to our reporters who were going live. The mobile connections were jammed and there was no other way of communication and smoke signals are not an option anymore.

After the initial earthquake we figured that this was when our job truly began. I called home, abu and then saddy to find out that they were alright. After the second shock, I got a call from Ali who told me that Margalla tower had collapsed. I couldn’t believe my ears. Never did I imagine that tragedy could strike so close to home. Then I got a call from our muzaffarabad correspondent. Poor guy was almost in shock. I was worried about shan but the seismology department confirmed that Sindh was safe.

The adrenaline rush kept me going in the morning. But by the time I went up for my Zuhr prayers, I was completely overwhelmed. I called up the seismology department on a hunch in the morning to check if there would be any after shocks. I was right because I was told that the shocks could last for at least another 48 hours. When I told dogar sahib he told me to go on air and say it. Imagine going on air and telling people what they least want to hear. I was totally out of breath when I conveyed this. I think I was the most flustered person around. I was so glad when the rest of our reporters got to the office and took over. The next thing I discovered was that a series of small jolts had been shaking this plateau for the past week and nobody noticed or reported this! Another thing that I found out was that this earthquake had not originated from Hindukush rage but rather from Hazara belt.

Its almost numbing the extent of destruction caused by this earthquake. I know all we hear are figures and words that can’t even begin to capture or manifest the lives lost. This morning I was sitting and thinking that I am so incredibly lucky and then so ungrateful because I can’t even begin to comprehend how it would have been for me. An earthquake of 7.6 rocked my country and here I am Alhumdulilah. My family is safe, my home intact. Can I ever thank Allah ji? At the same time, I feel so helpless because what can I do? It just doesn’t feel enough donating blankets etc. I wish Pakistan was more organized and we were better equipped to handle these situations. But we are not! What’s more frustrating is how these VIPs put self projection first. I was so angry when I saw the president and PM plus their entourage walking over the rubble. What was the purpose of their visit? Sympathy? What kind of sympathy makes people walk over rubble when they know for a fact that people are actually dying under their feet! Didn’t they know that there was precious time left before the sunset and their very presence causes everyone to leave the rescue efforts so that security is not breached? Idiots!!! And then Shaukat Sultan actually had the audacity to tell the CNN correspondent that ‘army is fully capable of handling the situation and that’s what they are trained for’. Idiots!!!!!!!

Ambivalent Convictions

It’s first of Ramzan today Alhumdulilah. I know that Ramzan is a blessing for muslims and I was very eagerly waiting for it to begin. I just realized that I wait very enthusiastically for Ramzan to begin whereas my enthusiasm for eid and eidi has dissipated over the years.

I am very tired today…haven’t been sleeping at my usual time and had to come early to work as well. And the programming department is planning another shoot in the evening and I not in the mood. I wish things were different here at work…and we didn’t have to depend on the head office for final packaging because our transmission was a complete fiasco this morning. I am not happy with my program as well, it’s too spurious! And I feel spurious doing it!

Hassan is back in Pakistan. Came back yesterday from Iran. He is pretty satisfied with the outcome and I am very excited. InshaAllah if things turn out as planned, I can be in Iran by Feb next. For now, I have my fingers crossed!

Yesterday when i went home, there was still sometime left before the Maghrib Azaan so i utilised the last minutes to listen to The Corrs, one of my all time favorite groups. the last song i heard thus was 'what can i do'. right now, i am thinking of all the songs i will miss listening to and the first song was Unforgiven II by Metallica. so i went to Lyrics.com and found the lyrics...

Lay beside me, tell me what they've done
Speak the words I wanna hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true
If you can understand the me, than I can understand the you

Lay beside me, under wicked sky
Through black of day, dark of night, we share this pair of lives
The door cracks open, but there's no sun shining through
Black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?

Come lay beside me, this won't hurt I swear
She loves me not, she loves me still, but she'll never love again
She lay beside me, but she'll be there when I'm gone
Black heart scarring darker still, yes she'll be there when I'm gone
Yes, she'll be there when I'm gone
Dead sure she'll be there

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?

Lay beside me, tell me what I've done
The door is closed, so are your eyes
But now I see the sun, now I see the sun
Yes now I see it

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you

What I've felt, what I've known
So sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits,
The one who waits for you

Oh what I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you (So I dub thee unforgiven)

Oh, what I've felt
Oh, what I've known

I take this key (never free)
And I bury it (never me) in you
Because you're unforgiven too

Never free
Never me
'Cause you're unforgiven too

I took the CD player and CDs out of my room yesterday and gave it to bhai. He and I went for a drive last night after quite a few weeks. We have both been busy in our respective lives. Anyhoo, Bhai turned on the cassette player in the car and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t listen to it but I was torn whether I should stop bhai from doing it as well. This is gonna be tricky.

This morning as An n I were driving to the office, we talked about how unenthusiastic both of us have become since the down-sizing. I know its nothing extraordinary but it got me thinking as to why I am so concerned with this job. Aren’t there more significant issues in life? Every time I come back from a shoot, I feel empty. There is no sense of achievement, no accomplishment. Noreen mentioned something similar when she was in town.

Do I really don’t have an alternative, because I don’t consider the options I have as real options?

The red sensation!!!

So what is the feel of cruising in a convertible car? Now I like cars and I don’t mean the mechanics of the vehicle…I like the way they look, they way they drive, the acceleration and the sensation. Yesterday was my first time in a convertible car and it was a sensation alright!

Saddy had borrowed her brother’s car and I know the trouble she went through to get it. She and I had not seen each other in a month and this meeting was certainly required. And then the car, a Dihatsu Spider…i have to say it’s a particular driving experience and I felt cool just sitting there. In fact I think that the smug expression on my face will remain for a long time.

And it’s Shan’s birthday today. I was so tired yesterday, got home at ten was then I stayed awake just so I cud talk to Shan at twelve. And since it was late, mom was resting and I was too tired to make anything for myself so basically I binged on orange juice and chocolate (yeah I know!) and then since I went to sleep late, I woke up late, didn’t have breakfast and now it’s 1430 and I have not had anything to eat at all. And now I am hugwie!!!

useless!

They say that simplicity is often the refuge of the complex. I have never really considered myself a complex person but I do wish I were simpler. Or maybe, that my life was. I am probably the most unappreciative person on this planet, but that truly is not through intention. I write what I feel and sometimes I feel too deeply.

I mentioned earlier that a multitude of issues had darkened my so painted Vanilla Sky. Well, to begin with, my parents have resumed their pursuit for my marriage with renewed vigor. I guess they think that five months are enough for me to forget all that happened. Secondly, my job that I had recently begun to enjoy was threatened almost a week back. The day Noreen was in Islamabad, we heard that AAJ TV was being downsized/right-sized. At that point, I waved it off as a rumor. This past Friday, I came to the office and heard that it was not just a rumor. Noreen, my dear friend and colleague who has seen me through some of my really bad times was asked to leave. She did resign but she did it with panache.I know i would have gone to pieces if i were in her places but she stood her ground. That was the day I came back and was a complete riot with the basketball. My life as I see it is about three spheres. The first and foremost is my family and some very close friends, second is what I have been trying to construct rather unsuccessfully, my spiritual world. Third is my work. That day, all thereof my spheres were in great chaos, knowing what Noreen was going through and I was helpless, knowing that I could be next and I didn’t want to be was utterly selfish. And I knew that if it wasn’t me, it would be somebody else in my office, somebody with a family. I really, really wanted to talk to someone but for some reason, I couldn’t. Ammi was home and she wasn’t well, which further aggravated everything. She never listens to me and never goes to the doctor. She doesn’t know that my family is all I have and my worst nightmares are the ones where I lose someone from my family. On top of that, I got that call from Hasnain which scared the hell out of me for some reason. From Ahmadis to Shias, isn’t there a red blooded sunni muslim out there for me? Are these my only options? Then, the next day my mother decided to drum auntie Shama’s relentless pursuit into my head. On top of that she told abu about Hasnain’s call and couple of other things. My father decided that he ought to take the issue up with me directly. Now, I am friends with my dad and I have been very honest with him about everything but talking to abu about my matrimonial prospects is just not in my book. There I was trying not to let my family know how scared I was of losing my job, losing the people I had come to care about at work and I was already angry at myself for not wanting to leave. On top of that, I had to say to my dad, what I didn’t mean because I should mean it! And I know I have hurt him further. Saddy says it isn’t always about me, it isn’t always my fault. Well, it is easier this way because there is really only one person I can control and that is myself.
I am listening to music right now, probably for the last time, InshaAllah for the last time. I know I am gonna miss it but I know this will make me stronger. Music had become a weakness and one thing I have learnt is to not let anything become my weakness. I think it’s a step in the right direction. i have to be at another shoot in an hour and like i said, i am lucky i have a job, so i will go and put on my nicest face.

Turgenev

My Heart to new feelings is wholly yielded
Like a child at heart have i grown
and all that i worshipped,
I have burnt,
And all i have burnt I now worship.

A couple of things have happened in the past days that
I should write about. A testament to their gravity is
my gravity defying attitude while playing basketball.
The basketball ring now hangs loosely by one hinge.
However, I will write about what’s on my mind only
when I can laugh about it all. Right now, I have
managed to push those thoughts aside and hopefully the
severity of the situation will lose force.

This morning our Ramadan transmission’s producer UA
brought his year old daughter Hooriya to office. I
know I am going to sound like a typical female but she
was just so adorable and friendly, unlike most
children. She just came to me and I carried her around
in the office. I hope someday I have a daughter with
as bright and sunny disposition as Hooriya’s.

I just met this person who was the first reporter to
interview Osama bin Laden after the 9/11. He seemed
very wily and I have a shoot with him and his family
in the evening. For some reason, I know it’s not gonna
be easy but I sure hope it turns out to be an
interesting episode.

It’s Sunday tomorrow but I am working this weekend and
from the looks of things, this coming week is going to
be quite hectic. I don’t really mind anymore for I
know that I am lucky to have a job, plus it keeps my
mind off things. Hopefully I will be traveling to
Lahore and I hope I do cuz I really want to see
Noreen. I really, really really do!