These past three days have me riding on an emotional rollercoaster and it’s a multitude of issues that have penetrated this ‘no-worries’ zone I had recently constructed around my life. Every time I push one thing aside and repair the barricade, something else comes up. And these butterflies in my stomach are making me sick now. I can’t go through another day feeling queasy. I wish I had some guarantees in life…just something I could hold onto. Is that too much to ask?

Can everything be right when nothing is wrong?

Farigh Time!!!

I can't really believe how much free time i have in the mornings now. Ever since the bulk of my my responsibilities has been shifted to current affairs, i have so much free time on my hands in the morning.

Yesterday, i went home after 6 again and ran into sanny in my street. Had been meaning to drop by at her place since we have been missing our walks together, so she and I walked to her home. stayed there till 2030, talked my head off, confiscated her Bhangra CD...figured before i quit music completely i shd listen to this one neglected genre, came back home, had dinner, sang my head off to Ammi, till she fell asleep (or maybe pretended to sleep so i wud leave her alone!). then i called up shan and though shan is generally starved for phone calls from home, he had to tell me that the call had stretched to it's max. then dad called and i ended up chatting with him. Bhai came home late as usual and i ended up singing to him as well. These people better give me some work to do in the mornings or i will drive everyone insane.

Nostalgia

Like I said, Yesterday was such a good day cuz I was FREEEEEEEE!!! Had done all the paper work and was waiting for the final technical decisions. Well, the decision didn’t come till 11 at night, which is when our producer UA called me. And I was sleeping at that time. Augh!!

I went home at 6 p.m. and had to make a couple of stops on my way. Shan’s basketball had suffered enough and I needed to buy a new one. I also had to mail wedding card samples to Usman. When I got home, there was still some time left before Maghrib so Samreen and I decided to shoot some baskets. As we were playing, Sam noticed that this girl across the street was watching us play. So, I turned and waved at her and she waved back. When we finished our game, she gave us thumbs up and went inside. I think if I see her again, I will invite her to come over and play.

Spoke to both Saba and Usman yesterday. Usman called to ask about the wedding invitations and to tell me that they have changed the schedule again. Now, the Valima is on 14th and at night, which means I will have to stay there and come back in the morning. Saba called and asked me to advise her as to the latest hairstyles. I guess I have researched the market twice this year for wedding preparations and come across as an expert but still.... hair?

Bhai came back a little late today and gave me a post card Aban had sent for me. She knows I love Degas’ Ballerinas so she sends me postcards of his paintings. It’s been a month since she’s been gone. So, I sat down and after what seems like eons, wrote an old fashioned snail mail. It was while writing that letter that I realized that this past summer was such an unforgettable time for our family. For the first time in years, all of us, including Aban were together. Our family has pretty much been living in halves for the past five years since bhai and I lived in Pakistan while Abu, Ammi and Shan lived in Jeddah. Then when Ammi Abu moved back, bhai and shan moved to Karachi. Last summer I was in Karachi, and so were Bhai, Aban and Shan. This summer, everyone was here. Now, Aban’s in Williams, Dad is always traveling (which is good for his career MashaAllah) and Shan is back at IBA. I guess the nostalgia was overwhelming and I took bhai and Aban’s engagement & wedding albums out. I guess it is true that sometimes we are so occupied with our personal volatility that we overlook the best of times and things.

sneezing my head off

This has to be my favorite Monday so far. Came to the office and don’t really have much to do. Haven’t even called the stock market yet.

Noreen was in town day before yesterday. We pretty much had the day to ourselves, except this one meeting with Boss. She observed that boss picks on me a lot and this is true. Not a day goes by that he tells me that I am valuable to the organization incase MMA takes over Islamabad. Lol, I don’t really mind him saying that. I think it has strengthened my resolve to wear the hijab. Anyhoo, we had lunch with office walas and then we went to Hotspot. We talked about life, work, life, boss, life, books and life! Then we walked back to Jinnah and came back to office just in time for her to go back. I really look forward to Noreen’s visits. We planned our trip to Khi for Sam’s Birthday. I think it’s gonna be a lot of fun!

Dad left for Oxford yesterday for some ECBI Fellowship course. Bhai, Ammi and I drove him to the airport at 6 a.m. and then I slept the whole Sunday morning away. When I woke up, mom announced her intention to visit mamoo’s family and though I have been trying to avoid Da’ with her endless deadlines, I did want to go see Dada ji. Plus, the drive to and from NK is always a temptation. We reached NK at around four, dropped Ammi off at Mamoos and then went to see Da’ and Dada ji. I have learnt to navigate my way away from those imminent conversations that Da is forever ready to have with me. Talking to Dada ji is fun though. He has all these stories to tell about his life. There, I met these two little girls who live in dada’ ji neighborhood and give my grandparents company in the evening. I sat down with the two of them and we started talking. Now, I don’t have a cold but for some reason, this past week I have been sneezing at regular intervals. Well, as we were talking, I sneezed and the younger one, Asfa said, do you know what that means? And I said ‘that I probably have an allergy’ and she said, ‘no when you sneeze someone’s thinking of you’. Lol…kids, they can believe anything we tell them to believe. That I think is the most endearing thing about children. I used to believe all the stories that my dada ji and nana ji used to tell me. Facts and Reason kill the very magic of life!

where have all the cartoon heroes gone?

I am sitting in the office and going out of my mind for I have nothing to do right now. Have finished the three books I had started reading and right now, I have no book to read. Dogar sahib and I started talking about the cartoons his kids watchlike Pokemon and powerpuff girls and I remembered all these cartoons that I used to watch. My brothers and I could watch cartoons all day long. Voltron Defender of the Universe (I love saying this) was one of our favorite cartoons. I wanted to look like Princess Allura. Then again, I wanted to look like any girl who was a princess and was pretty whether she was real like Princess Di or imaginary like Princess Aurora in Sleeping Beauty. Anyway, I heard they are going to make Voltron into a cartoon movie. And I miss watching Thunder Cats. I have to admit, I was overly fascinated by Liono and Snarff was just so adorable. Silver Hawk was a particular favorite as well. Too bad Michelle Yeoh had to make that movie stealing the name from them. I liked watching all these comic character cartoons including Spiderman, Superman, He-man…(sometimes I think these cartoons were more men than most men I have come across)and all those old cartoons like fantastic four and that cartoon that wore two rings and said…ing..wing do your thing and turned into a super hero and Dynomutt and Jonny Quest and the list can go on and on.

So who wants to watch the retarded yellow piece of sponge called sponge bob square pants?

i miss the ocean!

It’s been a busy two days at work. I have been planning the two programs that I am going to produce for the Ramadan Transmission. My first program as a producer will InshaAllah be aired this Sunday. It was fun shooting it. My anchor was KJ and he was interviewing the CEO Engineering Development Board. While the cameramen were setting the cameras and I was supervising the seating arrangement, I felt tired and I sat in the CEO’s chair. Lol…the CEO wasn’t in the room and when he entered he saw me sitting in the chair, he said:’so you’re the new CEO’ and his colleague said, ‘sir! I think there’s been a coup’. We all laughed good naturedly and I told him I could certainly get used to the feeling. The office is in STP and the view was awesome. I could see all of Secretariat, Presidency, National Assembly, PM secretariat, Supreme Court and CBR Head quarters. The shooting went well but I think I could have done better in editing. Anyhoo, that is a first for me.

Things have also been interesting at work. There is this certain idiot AK in our Head office who thinks he knows all there is to know about Finance and Economics. Now I admit I am probably the world’s lousiest Economist but that guy makes me look like a genius. Well, I have been trying to avoid him for a year now. He called me at work some four days back and told me I was going to take over AM’s work. AM was our Finance correspondent and left for CNBC recently. Now, I don’t report and I only monitor the Stock market. Plus, AK has no authority to tell me what to do. He may be older than me but I am a producer as well so he doesn’t out rank me. AK also has an issue with my calling him ‘sir’. I, as a rule, don’t call guys older than me by their given names. And I have told him time and again that he is not going to be an exception. Well he chanted ‘say my name’ so many times that Destiny’s Child would have been humbled. When I refused to pay any attention to him, he called up Dogar Sahib, my immediate boss on the desk. He complained that I wasn’t working well blah blah. Dogar sahib asked me and I asked him who had complained. When I heard AK’s name, I knew where this was coming from. So, I told Dogar sahib all he had said. I am so glad Dogar sahib is so understanding. He called up the Assignment Desk Editor in Khi and gave AK a piece of all our minds. I am so grateful to him for standing up for me.

I was supposed to start shooting for my program today but Ms. Zuberi called in sick. Tomorrow, I have a program scheduled with Iftikhar Arif. Honestly, I don’t remember the last time I spoke urdu so fluently…”mai maafi chahti ho kai aap ko zehmat dai rahi ho laikin agar aap kuch waqt humarai liyai nikal sakai to mai bahut mashkoor ho gi’ lord knows how I am going to manage talking to him tomorrow. But on the bright side, I just might get to go to Khi and Lhr for shooting my program. It’s a very slight possibility right now but I hope it works out…InshaAllah.

I came home a lil’ late today. Watched TV for a while and went up to the roof since the breeze was so incredibly awesome. I sat there as wind sprayed stray drops of rain on my face. I have to say as some one who loves rain and has seen many rain showers; this was the politest rain ever. I had brought out Samreen’s radio and listened to songs from Kiss of a rose by seal to Savage Garden’s truly, madly, deeply. The clouds slowly drifted west wards and made way for stars to shine. I missed the sea so much today. I hope I get to hear the ocean soon, very very soon!

Shab-eBarat

I just got back from uncle Jamal Nasir’s house. He was a family friend, some one I really respected. In fact, I loved his whole family. His wife is MashaAllah so pretty and he has two sons and a daughter. His kids practically grew up before our eyes and they were all so well behaved MashaAllah. He had gone for Hajj this past year and his son had recently learnt the Quran by heart. When I first met him, he was like any other person his age. Then I saw him transform. He grew a beard and became very religious and I respected him more for it. He was, without doubt, one of my favorite uncles.

Ammi told me last night that Uncle Nasir passed away in Lahore due to liver cancer this past week.

It was Shab-e-barat last night and I stayed up and prayed. I offer my Maghrib, Isha, Tahajud and Fajr prayers on the roof because it’s pleasant and I get to see the stars and the moon. It was so beautiful last night. There are two schools of thought related to Shab-e-Barat. One is that our fate is written in this night. Another is that in this night, we should remember all the people who have left us and pray for their souls. As far as I am concerned I just see it as an opportunity to just talk to Allah ji, which is what I do anyways, but some moments are just special.

So, I prayed for my nana ji and nani. I think of my nani when I see the Venus around maghrib time. Everyone tells me I look like her, not pretty like her but I resemble her in my complexion and physique. I think my nana is the handsomest guy ever and also the best story teller. It was because of him that I believed in mermaids and a part of me still does. I miss them both so terribly. I miss Dadi Rahmat…I remember how fragile she was and how she couldn’t get up from the bed but every time she would see me, she would try so hard to…and I miss Auntie Zara. I have never seen a more courageous woman in my life. For as long as I could remember, I saw her weak and ill and I always saw her smiling. She left us last year, on my birthday. I see it as her day of deliverance.

I prayed for Ali Tahir, who was so lucky that he died in Madina and was buried in Makkah. I still remember him, his sense of humor and I remember his funeral in Masjid-ul-Haram. I prayed for Saad Zia…some one I met only once when I was a little girl but the memory is etched in my mind forever. I prayed for Madam Munawar, a teacher in PAF who used to start the daily assembly with ‘pyarai bacho’. I prayed for this chowkidar baba from PAF…I never learnt his name but I still remember him smiling at me standing at the school gates. I remembered saddy’s cousin Harris and I prayed that Allah be kind to him. I never knew him but saddy told me one day that he used to listen to this song ‘seasons in the sun’ and I have always associated that son with him. I prayed for auntie Nabila’s mother who used to call me ‘mera tara’ the only person who ever did. I remembered, these three old ladies from G-10 who were sisters and were always kind to me. The three of them passed away within a month of each other. I prayed for saira’s dad who used to offer me ‘jamans’ during NCC. And most of all I prayed for saddy’s dad. There have been very few people who have always been kind to me and Saddy’s father was an exception even amongst them. I remembered the time he was in hospital and I held his hand. I remember closing my eyes and praying that I could infuse some of my life in him. I prayed for him with all my heart. I remember him smiling at us before we were about to go in for our biology practical. And I remember meeting him in front of my office since his was next to mine. And finally I prayed for Uncle Jamal Nasir.
I prayed for all these people and asked Allah ji to be exceptionally kind to them as they had been kind to me in my life even though I had never done anything to deserve their kindness. They were all beautiful people whose years were truly and completely full of life.

on weddings, match making and sunlight!

The weekend has almost passed. I wish the weekend wouldn’t fly by as it normally does.
Lol…samreen just informed ammi and I kai itna bara chaand nikla hua hai. I know cuz I have been getting plenty of moonlight lately.

Anyhoo, the past few days have been nothing but interesting. This Thursday I had to attend a wedding. These people are good family friends and their eldest son got married who is practically my age. The wedding was like every other wedding…boring! I was so bored that I took out my cell phone and played games, beat the computer or the mobile for that matter and then again reverted to my yawning mode.

At dinner, one of my mother’s friends came to us and told me to go sit with her other friend as she wanted to speak to ammi. I felt awkward since I didn’t know that lady at all. When we were coming back, I asked ammi what her friend wanted to ask. Turned out it was just a ploy for me to meet the lady as they are interested in me for their nephew. Well, I made my interests very clear to ammi and that is the end of that…I hope.

Next day, the valima…oh the valima! I have sworn I will not attend anymore weddings except the ones I have already promised that I will attend. I met Saba and Usman on Saturday. Usman was in town to shop for his Valima dress. Sajeela was with them as well. It was good to see my friends after so much time. We had the social huts cha’at and then we went to Ramli and they have constructed a new road that takes you much further up the mountain and into the jungle. I wish I had taken my camera with me. Anyhoo, that was a much need rendezvous.

Back to the Valima, well, my friend Mari had called me to meet up with her and she had this other girl Tab with her. At first I really liked Tab because she had this incredibly cute daughter with brown curly hair and I just love love love brown curly hair. Then Mari suggested that we take a round of the hall (like we were invigilating!) and well, as we got up Tab confided that she was ‘girl hunting’. At first I thought she was kidding but it turned out she wasn’t. She was looking for a girl for her brother-in-law who happens to be studying in America (yeah! That type!) and get this…the guy is 24 years old. I felt like rolling down and dying right there at that spot. Thank god my humor rescued me from the sea of incredulity. I thought, so what if that guy is practically your age too, you’re not THAT old! Well, Tab had come prepared. Out came a camera, pictures were taken of pretty girls and every time she would spot some pretty girl she liked I was told to find out ‘who her ‘baap’ is?’ A couple of times is alright but then I took offense and told her that yes! I am old and thus a spinster by your standards but I am still far away from being a ‘rishtai karanai wali maasi’. I was even dragged to another hall where a ‘mehndi’ was in ‘high tide’. More girls were spotted and photographed. I think the whole episode is such a good reflection on our society and it’s norms when it comes to marriages and match making. Occasions like these serve as Mandian’ where the girls are paraded and looked over as the prospective submissive brides for guys who really need to get a life! I know I am bitter and cynical but can you blame me? I believed in marriage but it’s events like these that kill the very spirit of holy matrimony.

Now, here comes the point where my sense of humor died its swift and rather painless death! Every time I would point to some pretty girl, Tab would say ‘no, she’s married’. I finally gave up and said ‘what do you mean, you make it sound like every girl is married’ to which I got the wind knocked out of me…tou aur kya, ACHI LARKIYON KO KAUN CHORTA HAI!!!

Rest in peace my dear departed sense of humor.

Praise the lord for weekends!

I watched Dil Chata hai…one of my all time favorites. I think I will write about love one of these days…I know people talk about love all the time but people who know me, know that I never have. So, before cynicism takes over my soul completely I should have some remnants of what I dreamed.

Anyhoo, I love Sundays. The best part of my Sundays is when I am in my room and around Asr time, the sunlight gets filtered in through the curtains and gives my room this surreal air. I like to listen to music and look at the paintings across the wall. They are replicas of Monet and other impressionists. I like impressionism as its about painting sunlight and I find that similarity in my room and in the paintings at that time. It’s in those moments that I feel alive. I like the feel of the wind on my face and I like how my hair is loose at that time since they are in a strict coil practically the whole week. I usually listen to Top Gun sound track as a ritual, especially the song ‘sitting in the morning sun’. I like these old classics when music was simple and lyrics uncomplicated. And it is in those moments when my life seems simple and uncomplicated and I live for those moments the whole week!

A beautiful moment

I know this is probably nothing to be so ecstatic about but for some reason the moment i realised this, i felt so light, like i had actually accomplished something. I know this is actually no achievement but it was truly a beautiful moment for me.

I was talking to An and YS about the Ramadan transmission and Zakat was the topic of discussion and thats when it hit me...I have Alhumdulilah saved enough money that i am now eligible to give zakat on my savings. And i just couldn't contain myself...I never thought i would work or make money on my own. Allah has been so kind, so generous and so benevolent. The fact that he has given me life, a loving family and now this, that i can be part of this system and contribute my share to the world, is more than i ever imagined. It's not just a blessing, it's an honor that i can help someone now. I know, i used to do this before but i never paid zakat and IshaAllah, i will from now on. Alhumdulilah.

A lazy morning

Funny how every morning i come to office and i think 'back in the office'...it's like all my life revolves around this one place now. Yesterday was a very good day Alhumdulilah. I went to my University, had to meet up with Ahsan and Sajeela. Ahsan has been short-listed for Fulbright MashaAllah. Sajeela had brought my birthday present...doesn't it feel good when you keep on getting birthday presents well after the actual day? i just really like getting presents and flowers. I also had to pick my Detailed Mark sheet which i should have gotten some 18 months back but was just too lazy. I got a full 1% more marks than i had calculated....!!!

It had hardly been fifteen minutes in the uni when An called and asked me to come back. A gentleman from our head office was here and the Ramadan transmission meeting was due to start in 10 minutes. so i just rushed back. The meeting was very interesting. I like working with Boss because he allows you to give free reins to your ideas. three of my ideas were approved. Meeting finished at 1 and i rushed to have lunch with Ahsan and Sajeela. At pappas. we met Nida, our senior in Uni who is now MashaAllah married and working with UNDP. i had not seen her for two years. then i met Izzah, and just when i was kidding with Ahsan that he hadn't called his best friend. Ahsan and Izzah were on rather friendly terms in Uni and just as i said that, Sajeela pointed in Izzah's direction...and there she was! she had come with some colleague of hers from IDS. He was cute but he actually had a beard, which is not in Izzah's usual style. anyhoo, we had lunch. I came back for another round of brainstorm session. worked till late at night, had to take some of my work back home. On my way home, i stopped in super and bought Paulo C's The Zahir. I am a fan of Paulo C. and have been since the Alchemist. then i ran into Muhammad Ali, another classfellow from Uni and then i ran into this junior from Uni. I forgot her name...darn this memory that remembers all the bad things and forgets all that should be retained.

Anyhoo, she and i exchanged pleasantries. Then she asked mE "AUR AAP SHAADI KAB KER RAHI HAIN?'...i said 'sweetheart! you find me an educated guy who is brave enough to have a beard in this day and age, muslim enough to observe all basic fundamentals of Islam and open-minded enough to accept me as I am, scarf, name and all! and i will marry him on a minutes notice'. and she burst out laughing and said 'aap kai bhi merai walai halaat hain...mujhe bhi koi nahi milta'. then we both agreed that hum itnai burai nahi hain, log andhai hain;). so i met six quaidians in different places in a day.

I have to go to a wedding today where the guy who is getting married is my age. augh!!! why is it that this marriage business is that concerns people our age and parents who have kids our age? Ammi had stopped mentioning my marriage after the debacle of my engagement but she has sort of started again!

I am truly looking forward to RAMADAN. I usually plan my prayers and Eibadaat because i view it as a month when i feel like i am a muslim. My most memorable time was when i went for Haj in 1999. I felt like a muslim and i lived like one. I miss the days i spent in Makkah, i especially miss the night of 27th Ramadan when it rained in Masjid-ul-Haram and i just stared at the raindrops falling. It's a vision that has stayed with me over the years.

I plan on giving up on music in Ramadan. I do that every year but then i pick up the habit again. Its a habit alright and i need to break it. I hope i succeed this year, InshaAllah.

I wanted to buy boxing gloves but my hands are too small and fragile! I mean is that fair? well life's not fair and that has worked very well for me so far, so basketball it is for the time being!

Murree!!!

Back from my weekend trip to Murree. I don’t need to go on and on about how much I love mountains and clouds…and wild flowers! What I am not fond of are the commercialized confines of Mall Road. So, I love Murree but I would rather not go to Mall Road, except for the Nawai-Waqt book shop where I bought one of my most favorite pictures.
So, anyhow, Mom, Dad, Bhai and I left this Saturday evening, the drive was very pleasant and I just loved the cool wind on my face. What I didn’t love was that the place was a lot colder than I thought. I really ought to have taken a coat or something warm because there has really only been this one time in my life that I fainted and I fainted because it was way too cold for my taste;). I don’t understand it…I cannot put up with low temperatures like most people do. I was actually grateful that I didn’t get to move to Canada because it actually snows there and I would have become a pop-sickle! But I shall see snow falling before I die, if it’s the last thing I do…muhahaha!
So, in any case, it was fun. We did go to Mall Road, my favorite shop was closed!!! Then we cruised around Jhica Gali, Bhurban and Murree! The place looked beautiful as legions of clouds descended on us… breathtaking! The drive back was equally pleasant and when we entered isloo, it started raining!!! What a weekend!!! Exactly what the doctor ordered.
So, I am back in my room and I don’t have to wrap myself in a blanket. I started reading Tariq Ali’s Fearof mirrors. Its introductory passage though depressing, somehow ringed a bell…
‘At first it’s like an ember. Then it begins to flicker and soon there’s a flame. It is this flame that penetrates the brain. The result? Constant pain. It’s when my mind cannot contain pain; when it over-powers everything-hope, love, pleasant memories, everything-it’s when it brutally occupies the past that the first thought occurs. The pain refuses to go away….Spiritual poverty is worse than death, degradation or suicide…’
I watched Ben Kingsley’s “House of sand and fog”…it’s one depressing movie of the superlative degree. I ended up asking myself…how did I go so wrong in loving life? However, I will ponder over this some other time…for now, I will just read something pleasant!

birthday!

Finally i am posting my birthday blog!


Here I am...twenty odd years old and I mean this age is odd. As I said earlier, I was not very keen on celebrating my birthday but I guess Sana’s enthusiasm was contagious. I figured I was not in a celebratory mood because I was thinking about the philosophical significance of my life which actually in nothing and that bothers me. So I made a pact with myself, go twenty four hours without thinking about it.
And I pretty much did!
Naila, one of my colleagues from AAJ who is now in GEO, messaged me on 2nd, thinking it was my birthday and i guess the fact that she remembered was so sweet that I thanked her with all my heart.
Bhai got me flowers, tube roses actually since they are my year round favorite. He also got me two books, the Holy Woman by Qaisra Shahraz and Fear of mirrors by Tariq Ali. The whole night passed in a swirl of messages and phone calls. I figured I should keep a list of all the names who did. FIR was the first to sms and call. Then Saba, Usman, Bhai messaged me from his room, Sam, Ali (quite a surprise), Saniya, Hassan, Sana, Shumaila my classmate from Jeddah who is now a doctor called ( another big surprise), Candy, Shan, then Nubla, Saddy ( saddy actually messaged me at night but damn Mobilink!!!), two unknown numbers who obviously know me well (0300-9504106 and 03005313514), Sahir messaged and scrapped, Ashu, Reema, Faizan and Shakeel from AAJ and Sidz. Noreen called twice (bless her kind heart). Attiya called from Lahore. Hassan sent me my birthday present from Karachi, my very first cross-country birthday present ever! It contained a book ‘Beyond the face value’ by Tudung and an autographed CD of Fuzon which features one of my all time favorite songs “khamaj”. Thank god for people like Hassan. He believes more in me than I do in myself. Anila was the first to greet me in the office. The day passed pretty well Alhumdulilah. My office people, Younas Sohail in particular arranged for my birthday party and I cut my cake. Mr. Mamoo passed me a smile and I figured i could only punish him by not offering him any of my cake…!!!
Then I took a couple of my friends out for Hi-Tea. It was a lot of fun. Saddy got me Charlie Wilson’s war and two other books that I actually read in less than five minutes. We ate, we went shopping and then we went bonkers!!!
We went to Hangout and ordered sheesha which turned out to be smoke-less for some reason. Then I don’t know how but everyone wanted to smoke cigarettes. And consequently a pack of cigarettes was ordered. And that’s where the numbness I had opted for vanished. When everyone was smoking, I started thinking about my existence again. Where am I? How did I get here? Where do I go from here brigade. I never imagined that I would be this old, this big a loser! And it was obvious on my face…all my life, I hated smoking, not smokers…smoking!!! And I know it has a lure to it that simply cannot be defined…but I just never imagined that something like this would happen and I would be a part of it! I guess I looked so unhappy that saddy hugged me.
But that ended there…we left the place and Sani dropped sanny and I home. Back at home, it was another round of celebrations. Anyhoo, the day passed quickly enough and I think the not thinking façade works for me…so let’s see if till my next birthday, I can carry on like this!

i Hate Mondays

Here i am...back in office. the pace of the day is mercuric at best. one time i am rushing to get some assignment done...next i am just lazing...which is what i am doing right. wrote a blog yesterday and wasn't able to post it. that makes two blogs that are yet to be posted...but post them i shall. elsewise...nothing new 'cept that Nubz told me this morning that her guy Hyd really liked me when we first met and since his family is looking for a girl for his older brother...he suggested me to his Mother. anyhoo, that couldn't materialize because the guy's 34! it seems that i only attract old people...grandparents like me, mothers like me...i seem to be a magnet for people related to unavailable people!
anyhoo, will try postin' my birthday blog and the muree blog, hopefully tonight.

Friday Grind!!

well the day's almost done for me in the office. 15 more minutes to go before i make my exit. pretty normal day, cept for this morning, such an incredible rush!. Boss had a presentation today and he had asked me to do the basic research for him yesterday. would u believe that the reason the world hates US these days is the re-election of Bush!! so, anyhoo, he called me in his office in the morn at around 10:30 and and asked me to make slides on power point. i know Power point is EEEEEEEEEEzzzzzzz but i have never used power point. (yup the uneducated and illiterate person that i am). i had to complete it by noon, on the dot! man! my shoulders still hurt!! that and there was a protest going on outside the National Assembly and i had to constantly monitor the protest and send tickers. finally i handed in the presentation and then ended up chatting with Teatuu and Noreen on orkut. had a really nice lunch, loved the egg fried rice, made exactly to my taste.
now i am gonna go home and go for a walk with Sanny. havent seen her in three days and she's such a part of my life now that it seems like ages since i have seen her.
Family and I are planning on going to Murree with Aban's family. it was fun last time so i am looking forward to it.
Mr. Ateeq, our Daily Morning Trasmission asked me this morning if i had any ideas for the DMT and also said that you're likely to cross over;). i didnt know what he meant but i gave him a couple of ideas and he was like...'Boss is right..you're good. we discussed yesterday that you should be a part of DMT as well. but for now, just start observing the transmission'. so i guess thats something to look forward to as well.
man! my shoulders hurt.
anyhoo, if i get a chance today, i will post the blog i wrote on the night of my birthday. i have not been able to log in from home and that blog is saved in my laptop at home.
and Jia called last night!!! my dear precious Jia. she is well and so is her daughter noor. i love my niece's name. hopefully when i go to khi for Sam's birthday bash, i will go see her as well. looking forward to my khi trip too.
hey thts three things i am looking forward to:). and yeah, tomorrow i am going to go buy the basket ball too!!! Slam Dunk!!!

Post-Birthday Resolutions

yes! yet another day and i am back in office. was talking to Amrat about how it feels like a recorded video cassette that plays itself over and over again. Alison told me hat I have the Temperance card in my reading this week which basically shows that i am in a period of Calm and Tranquility and i guess it is like that. Stagnation does have this inert quality of making things seem placid and life becomes more and more composed. I dont really mind being like this...i rather think i needed this in my life.
I was talking to Ali S. the other day. I am discovering a whole new side to his personality. I mean i thought he was incapable of having serious conversations with but he just pretends to be like that. anyhoo, as we were talking, he asked me if i am happy? if i get up in the morning looking forward to the day and i enjoy what i do? I cant say i am happy, but yes i am calm. i know my life is uncertain and the unknown scares me so much sometimes that i just sit and cry. but i am more focused now then i have ever been in my life. I dont get up particularly looking forward to the day but i am not apprehensive the way i was in months of May and June. and i wish i could travel for a living but this current job is quite satisfactory. I know that right now i am in a holding pattern and the uncertainty and endless possibilities make me ambivalentand hesitant. but i also know that i have never had a stronger opportunity in time than what i have now. and i am scared that i will screw things up like i have in the past. but i know i need to confront my fears.

and it just started raining again. i just love the rain. today, InshaAllah, i am going to have Biyani for lunch mom made for me and my colleagues.

I also spoke to Andre about two days back. he's one of the very few people that i genuinely respect, especially after seeing some careless and insensitive brutes in my recent past. He asked me about my future plans and i told him how i am trying to find a scholarship and i am so glad he understood my perspective on this.

our NLE is playing Saathiya's sound track right now and i feel like going up on the roof and eating samoosas while it rains.

oh, the post birthday resolution! well as i was talking to Ali S. we discussed how i dont have a hobby at all. i mean reading is a part of my existence, not a hobby. well, i think i will either take up basketball, been thinking about for a while or i can start boxing or i can learn to play the violin. i think basketball is fun and easy. i can put up a hoop on the roof and once i have learnt to play basketball, i may take up any of the other hobbies. lol... when i told Zam about this, i was told that at this point people try to get a 'you' in their lives, i am trying to get an 'O';). well, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do!

seven!!

SEVEN THINGS THAT SCARE ME
1. Witnessing the day my parents leave for good
2. losing my brothers
3. losing my teeth and hair
4. Screwed-up finances
5. Losing my dreams
6. being vulnerable
7. ....maybe, losing all of my friends?

SEVEN THINGS I LIKE MOST
1. Lazy sundays with samosai and a good book to read
2. Watching re-runs of my favorite movies especially Pride & Prejudice
3. Eating haleem
4. Long drives
5. Retail therapy
6. Hanging out with good friends
7. Picnics and any thing fun that requires no brain activities

SEVEN IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY ROOM
1. My bed or the blue island whose chief inhabitants are my books and pillows
2. Organized chaos
3. My growing collection of DVD/ VCD collection
4. My books and journals
5. More books
6. Paintings and pictures
7. My wardrobe (where else will I be able to walk out looking decent!)

SEVEN RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME
1. I am short
2. I have mood swings that can drive anyone insane
3. I can laugh as well as yawn my head off
4. I can eat, sleep and watch TV for days
5. I like movies with sub-titles
6. I am so great, I am even jealous of myself
7. I am the person your mother warned you about

SEVEN THINGS I PLAN TO DO BEFORE I DIE

1. Learn to drive (I know, i'm like the last person on this planet who hasn't gotten a license! Maybe I just don't want to go to jail, cos knowing me...i may just ramp into a lamp post without starting the car)
2. Learn to swim and cycle.
3. Write my own biography
4. Travel the whole world at least once
5. Marry an insanely funny and rich guy who will blindly let me spend his money on silly things.
6. go for hajj and cover the whole journey on foot
7. watch snow falling

SEVEN THINGS I CAN DO
1. Look busy
2. Sleep with my eyes open
3. Take photos of everyday sights
4. Breathe non-stop
5. Be too overwhelmed by things
6. Talk my head off
7. Overanalyze

SEVEN THINGS I CAN'T DO
1. be careful
2. win
3. snore
4. dance
5. read french
6. Be late
7. keep my room tidy

SEVEN THINGS I SAY THE MOST
Yeh cheez
Na karo
Huh?
Oh...
Is it?
Can I quote you on tht?
Is that a fact?
.....

SEVEN CELEB CRUSHES
George Stephenopolous
Eric Bana
Colin Firth
Will Smith
Anthony Hopkins
Bill Clinton
Dylan Mcdermott

budday

thought i might spalsh in some humor for a change
I found this wacky horoscope...which is more like horrorscope;)

Those Born Today - You are oblivious to what others notice on first sight. Your birthday suit is somewhat wrinkled and several sizes to small. Your beauty spots are now liver spots. Your adult undergarment leaks through at the bottom. You have a close relationship with the Creator as you are almost the same age. Buzzards circle above when you stop for any length of time. Don't worry about the expiration date on your jug of milk, it will most likely outlast you.


No, your star sign DOES NOT imply your virginity. Yes, your cousin DOES count as your first, even if you live the the Ozarks. Your 12 children will all have the first name of Billy, (Billy-Jean, Billy-Bob, Billy-Jack, etc.) You will be awarded as owner of the sweetest smelling outhouse in the entire county. Your better-half will be killed this autumn when the still explodes, igniting a 300 gallon vat of moonshine. Aliens will abduct you and return you with a chickens' brain, making you the smartest person in town. Changing your underwear with your sibling does not make you hygenic.

how 'bout that;)

wake me up when september ends

As I said earlier, I am not exactly keen on the idea of my birthday this year. I wish I forgot about this day and so did everybody else. And yet, today faro called me to wish me a happy birthday. And I was like…aik to meri birthday yaad rakhna aur upper sai who bhi ghalat din….augh!
I wanted to stay up last night and pray and then fast today. I went to sleep around 11:30, thought I’d wake up after two hours and pray. I woke up at 5 a.m.
I honestly don’t know where I am headed…and my prayers used to be the agent that allowed me to be steadfast…gave me hope. Now, I can’t even pray. How did I end up here? Who have I become?
Green Day’s boulevard of broken dreams has become my personal anthem:

I walk a lonely road
The only one I that have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But its home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And were I walk alone

Read between the lines of what's
Fucked up and every things all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone

I am comprehensively lost…and alone and there’s really nothing else to be said about it.

'm walking through the desert
And I am not frightened although it's hot
I have all that I requested
And I do not want what I haven't got
I have learned this from my mother
See how happy she has made me
I will take this road much further
Though I know not where it takes me
I have water for my journey
I have bread and I have wine
No longer will I be hungry
For the bread of life is mine
I saw a navy blue bird
Flying way above the sea
I walked on and I learned later
That this navy blue bird was me
I returned a paler blue bird
And this is the advice they gave me
"You must not try to be too pure
You must fly closer to the sea"
So I'm walking through the desert
And I am not frightened although it's hot
I have all that I requested
And I do not want what I haven't got